Tufts supplemental essay on collective participation; 'Constantly stepping out of comfort zones'

There is a Quaker saying: "Let your life speak." Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (Required length is 200-250 words)

Before moving to a neighborhood mostly reserved for military officers, the 6-year-old me never thought that there could be strangers knocking on our door at 5 am on a Sunday to invite the newcomers to a morning jog. By the time I got back, I had already scored 5 goals in my first soccer game ever, learned 2 ridiculous military cadences, and made a bunch of friends. The army atmosphere that I felt was not a lack of individuality, but rather a sense of strict inclusiveness, as everyone was expected to get involved in everything: local family sport events, charity rus, weddings, funerals, no excuses. These "commanders" drew a line somewhere, of course, but they seem to know exactly when and how to push others and bring out their best. It rubbed off on their "little soldiers" somehow, especially on that once-shy soccer team manager kid that shouted at every player at the top of her lungs on a wheelchair.

Growing up there taught me that openness and collective participation are essential in any community. Outside the neighborhood, I always try to engage others in activities, encourage everyone to do new things, and consequently surround myself with an accessible, helpful social circle that boosts individual development. There's an African proverb that says: "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together". Constantly stepping out of comfort zones with my friends, I'm definitely going as far as I can on my academic path.

Please review my essay. Thank you for your help!

Khoa, this is a pretty strong essay statement. You just need to remove the reference to the age that you have in the essay. Mostly because the reference to age is not really an integral part of the community that you are presenting. You just need to revise the opening portion in order to make this environment seem like the place where you lay your roots and developed your understanding of military life. My suggestion is that you open the essay by saying the following:

My (mom / dad) lives for service to the country. That is why I grew up in a neighborhood reserved for military officers. It is not uncommon for me to wake up at 5 a.m. on a Sunday to go jogging with other military children before we engage in a spirited game of soccer, learn some crazy and made up military cadence, or welcome some new kids to our fold. The army atmosphere...

By removing the reference to your age and simply describing the life that you have in the community, you tell the reviewer that this is an environment that you are still actively engaged in and hence, continue to be molded by the influence of the military families and their children, which is always a good, never bad thing.

Thanks for the feedback, Mary!
As for this part:
never thought that there could be strangers knocking on our door at 5 am on a Sunday to invite the newcomers to a morning jog. By the time I got back, I had already scored 5 goals in my first soccer game ever, learned 2 ridiculous military cadences, and made a bunch of friends

I wanted to emphasize how quickly they were to welcome new people and how I was encouraged to integrate into the community. Is it evident? Should I rewrite it somehow or drop this feature?

Also, my parents are the only ones who are not military officers in the neighborhood. They just bought a house moved there haha

Okay, we can revise the opening statement using the additional information. The most important thing we have to do is not mention any age references in the essay. So, the new introduction should look something like this:

When my parents purchased a house in a predominantly military officer neighborhood, there were worries as to how I might fit in with the other military kids. No sooner had we spent our first night in our new house when it became clear to all of us that we would not only be welcomed, but embraced by the neighbors in our community. At 5 AM that Sunday, the so called "military brats" were knocking on our door, inviting me to join them for a morning jog. Before I knew it, I was scoring in my first soccer game with my new friends, marching to military cadences that were made up on the spot, and doing the rounds, welcoming the other new kids who, just like me, had also just recently moved in. This army atmosphere...

This is just an example for you. You can opt to use it or just create a new one that you feel more comfortable using. Just make sure that you follow the line of description that I have here because this avoids the reference to any age, thus making the essay more "experience" rather than "age" specific.

That's a great example. Thanks Mary.