UCF Essay - Culture, Family, Eniv. Influence

Please tell me what you think and most importantly -
Do you think it truly answers the question??

UCF Personal Statement:
How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
Max/Min. 250 Words

I never found the need to let the whole world know I'm Puerto Rican. Drivers won't see a Puerto Rican flag stickered on the back of my car. Some days I prefer McDonald's over Mom's traditional rice and beans. I take pride in, not just my heritage, but more in not limiting myself to common conventions of Puerto Ricans.

I've dealt with discrimination and prejudice at an early age because I'm Puerto Rican. I've been labeled because of how I dress, talk, carry myself, the music I listen to, the car I drive, and the friends I hang out with. I've felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself and what I liked for the fear of others not accepting me and typecasting me. Values instilled by my parents helped me overcome these, and other, obstacles in my life.

Coming from Puerto Rico alone with nothing but the clothes on his back, my father provided my brother and I opportunities to be educated and successful, opportunities he wasn't able to afford. taught me to be strong enough to face any challenge and never take anything for granted. My parents sacrificed for my brother and I, showing me not to limit my possibilities, take pride in myself, and to be confident in everything I do. Visits to Puerto Rico now don't remind me of how great the food is, how beautiful the women are, or how blue the beach is. It reminds of how far my family has come and to continue on their dream by becoming the first person in my family to graduate from college.

The essay seems to jump around a bit too randomly. You say you don't feel particularly compelled to flaunt your Puerto Rican-ness, then talk about how you have faced discrimination because of it, then discuss your family's background. Decide what you want your thesis to be, put it at the very start of your essay, then make sure all of your examples tie back to it clearly. Then repost for more feedback.

I know exactly what you're saying. It was kind of difficult to fit all my ideas into 250 words. I didn't get what you meant about me flaunting my Puerto Rican-ness :). What I meant was that even thought I may not be the most outspoken Puerto Rican, "I'm proud and I'm loud", doesn't mean I haven't faced discrimination because of my ethnicticity or because of other personal traits beyond me being Puerto Rican. Do you get that or not? Sorry if I'm not making it clear. My thesis was that even though I may not be the Puerto Rico's # 1 Fan/Supporter, the culture and where I'm from has taught me alot and to be grateful and that your culture and heritage goes beyond how much pride (on the surface) you have for it. Makes sense?? Please tell me if it doesn't??

But you don't actually say this in your essay. What you do say is this:


And this:


And this:


Any one of these could be a thesis statement at the center of its own essay. However, you have no transitions, nor do your link the ideas or give any sense of how you want the reader to interpret the relationship between these ideas. Hence my comment about the essay seeming a bit random.