Uclers and football-UCs essay

This is for the second part of the UC prompt, Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Here it is:

Prompt 2

In January of 2007 I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, intestinal ulcers. While it is not as 'glamorous' as cancer or AIDS, it is still painful and debilitating. It took me a while to accept that this had happened to me, and even longer to recover; both physically and mentally. It has broken through my medicine twice thus far, but it has not broken me.

In the time between my recoveries was hard. I had enough energy to go to school and stay awake. However I had to carry on as much as I could. My school work suffered as I tried to control the ulcers, but I persevered through and managed to finish the year well, by passing both my worrisome AP exams.

The ulcers also affected my extracurricular activities as well. I was sick much of the offseason of football between my sophomore and junior years. Due to my weight loss and absences I played JV for a second year. During the season the ulcers struck again, but I played through them for my team. The attack only lasted three weeks, so my play did not suffer too much. Then at the end of the season, I was asked up to varsity for the playoffs, but the ulcers stopped me in my tracks there. I felt bad that I could not help out my team, but there was nothing I could do. I tried to do all I could to improve my game over the offseason. I was looking forwards to my senior year season, when my ulcers hit harder than ever. I spent a week in the hospital, and lost my physical strength and conditioning. I also missed the summer camp and could not make the team. I knew I could not play my senior year, but I still wanted to stay in the game.

When my younger brother signed up for a youth football league I took him to his practice. As it turned out one of my old coaches was his coach as well. He knew about my problem with ulcers and I asked him if I could help out. He agreed almost instantly, and I became a coach for the game I love. While I love playing the game, coaching is another rewarding aspect of the game. Being able to pass down the skills I learned to children to continue the game is a enjoyable experience that I never thought I would experience, however it is now a very enjoyable part of my week.

My ulcers taught me to never give up, no matter the challenge and to keep doing what you love, even if it is not in the way you thought it would or should be. While I wish I never had to deal with these ulcers, I believe they have made me a stronger person overall.

all help/comments are appreciated and needed
thanks for the help. :)

Kevin

this sounds a bit contradictory.Do you mean that you enjoy coaching but dislike the fact that you have to watch others play while you are sidelined?

No, that does not bother me that much, what i meant to say was i never thought i would be in a position to coach others, but now that i am, i really do enjoy it

Thanks a lot for the help :)

will put up the first prompt and revision of the second one once they are done

Here comes the first UC promt now
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Growing up in a suburb of Chicago, I lived with many benefits. We had one of the best libraries in the nation, our schools were safe and well staffed, and sports and other outside activities were rampant. Life was good in our little suburb of Naperville. I really loved it there and thought I would want to never live anywhere else.

I lived in Naperville until I was nearly 12 years old. I had a hard time adjusting to my new life in Las Vegas. Everything had changed for me. The library was a small one room area with only a few hundred books, the schools did not provide me with challenges, nor did they provide sports until high school. I felt with the change I had to change too; and in some ways I did need to. However I resisted the changes. I did not want to adapt to my new and foreign environment. I withdrew for a while, but did not enjoy much. I had enjoyed football in Illinois; I connected with my friends, and made new ones. So I decided to play again in Las Vegas. It was an enjoyable experience, and brought me back into the world again.

I did end up changing to Las Vegas right around the time we moved again. I moved back to another small suburb, this time near San Francisco, Brentwood. I knew I could adapt better with football. There was some trouble changing, but I was able to change quickly knowing I could do what I enjoyed; football.

Football has helped me adapt to any situation for the better. If something is 'too hard' I compare it to the challenges I have had to overcome in football, and they seem lesser. Moving changed how I felt about myself and others, and football helped me turn those feelings around. The moves, along with football have allowed me to push myself to succeed and adapt to any and all situations I find myself in.

not too sure if it answers the whole thing, but i gave it a shot, its still pretty rough so any more help would be appreciated.

Hi Kerfuffin,

A significant part of this essay is dedicated to football, which I thought was not very wise since you have mentioned your love for football in your second essay.

Family, community and school. Family was not mentioned at all. I thought your family will play a big role in the moves unless you are staying by yourself. The part, on community, was written in a rather negative light.

Most importantly, what are your dreams? What do you want to do in life? What do you want to major in? How do these connect your background? You have only answered half of the question. I suggest you delete the football portion and focus on telling the admission officers how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I agree with silent here, you mention quite a lot about football, but I think you should talk more about your background.

Maybe you could show how your family played a role in influencing you on your love of football and then connect it to your second essay so it would sound like more of a transition.

thanks a lot again. I have another one that i think fits much better that i wrote over my spring break that ill put up once i give it another comb over.