Unable to fail, raised under the principle of hard work. Texas application

I am writing my apply Texas essay a and I need help! Thanks in advance!

What was the environment in which you were raised? Describe your family, home, neighborhood, or
community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person.

college application essay

A teacher once told me I wouldn't always succeed. He said there would be times when I would fail, others when I would succeed. I soon realized he was wrong. The only way I could fail, would be if I didn't try at all. I was raised under the principle of hard work. For the people in my family, education always comes first. My parents are strict when it comes to school therefore there was really never such a thing as slacking off. Being the American daughter of Mexican parents isn't easy. There are always the inevitable goodbyes as weekends come to an end and the daily phone calls. As a child, I would often have to look after my sister and at the same time, I would have to focus on school. My childhood experiences made me somewhat independent and taught me the importance of responsibility. My community was a great help throughout my childhood because there was always someone who would be willing to lend a helping hand to my family. In the many times my grandma would go to the hospital, a neighbor would offer to look after my sister and me. One of the ladies who worked at the community center would give us free food whenever there was no one home to cook for us. The people in my community are people who work long hours in order to pay bills and buy necessities yet still have enough to give to others. Throughout the years I have learned essential skills such as responsibility and hard work as well as helping others by giving them what I have. Through my family and my community I learned that I have to live with what I have and work for what I don't. My family has always been supportive towards my education and they are always willing to help me achieve more. My family works on sacrifices and the one thing I have learned is that sometimes it is important to give up a little bit of something because in the end, the reward will mean more than what you gave away. For my family, giving something to others makes you a wonderful person. Whenever I would go towards the wrong path, there was always someone to guide me back to where I was supposed to be. I was never alone or left behind, they always made sure everyone felt welcome.

Mariah, you should open the essay from the point where you said "I was raised on the principle of hard work". That to me is more interesting to read than the opinion of your teacher which somehow, is difficult to connect to the aforementioned sentence. A reviewer has only seconds to connect with your essay, so make sure that you catch his attention within the first 2 sentences of your essay. If it takes you more than 5 sentences to "hook" the reviewer, your essay will have failed in its purpose. The format of your essay is too tight on the page. It would be better if you segregated your essay to make separate paragraphs and in the process, allow for an easier reading by the reviewer. I would create one paragraph each for my parents, then the community. So that would make 2 fully developed paragraphs that appropriately responds to the prompt requirements.

I would like you to consider something though. The prompt seems to be asking you to choose only one from the list of options to discuss. I would have focused the essay on only one character influencing topic instead of all of them like you did in this essay. The way I read your essay, you don't really manage to develop any of the influences in your life to a level that shows a clear sample of how they helped you develop as a person. However, you can easily do that if you choose only one topic for the discussion. That will work better because you can offer all of the allowable word count to help you better present the reasons why these people or the community were influential in your development as a person. Right now, your essay only offers little glimpses into that, which does not work as effectively as you might think.

Hi there Maria,

Describe your family, home, neighborhood, or community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person. You have to choose only one of these because it doesn't state "and". What I would do is to emphasize on one that had the most influence on you. Is it your family? Is it your community? You decide, but if I would write this, I would write about only one of those categories. By sticking to one, you can tell a story on how that category has shaped you and that way, the reader can be more interested in reading what you have to say.

Also, what is your word count limit? I know small word count limits can be daunting, but an essay is less interesting to read when readers see a long paragraph. Maybe go with a 1-2 sentence introduction, then a body, then 1-2 conclusion.

Hope my comments helped and good luck!

Thank You both for helping me. I will do as you say thank you so much!!