Unbalanced - I always take a closer consideration to things now. Common app prompt 1

hi this is my first draft will reallly appreciate your help to know if i am on the right path before i got further, fell free to crticise as you want to thanks!!!

TOPIC;
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

ESSAY:
When I think of human's time on earth i compare it with time spent on a see-saw. Its basically that simple. You spend all your time trying to balance yourself then when you do you try to catapult yourself to greater heights. At a point in my life reaching that initial average balance was a status almost unachievable.

...

after review

As a result of my friendship with Beth, I believe my outlook on things of the world have changed and my eyes are now opened to a sort of paradise. The day I met her, At the time I hadn't had many friends more like no friends at all, just family. Beth has a skin condition called vitiligo, which basically was the depigmentation of the skin. During lunch break, I was nudged from behind and then started feeling cold liquid running down my back I thought it was one of those bullies who wouldn't leave me alone and then I turned to see a girl well she was very apologetic but all she was saying was lost to me, her vibrancy, happiness and most of all confidence surprised me for someone so "flawed" I didn't expect this of her. I easily felt comfortable with her, as I felt we weren't both perfect. But I couldn't have been proofed more wrong. Over these three years since our friendship, I have come to see many things out of the light in which they are shown.

This is a good start for your essay. Draft wise it contains all of the possible ideas that you can discuss within the essay. However, I feel that you should concentrate more on the issue of self-image as opposed to the image that society sees of you. That is the central theme that I have gathered from your essay and I can tell that it is the issue that has most helped develop your central identity. In my opinion, you should open you essay with the following line from your draft :


. Use that as the basis of the main essay theme. Discuss how you met Beth and how her condition opened your eyes to the fact that beauty is truly in the eyes of the beholder and cannot be based on physical appearance or body weight alone. Then explain your background as being overweight or whatever, launching into how you used to try to keep changing yourself until Beth entered your life. Then from then on, you realized that you were beautiful just the way you are and that it is society that needed to learn to accept you because you already accepted who you are as you are. That would be a good 2nd draft that we can work on further improving :-)

thank you very much for your help

Vangiespen, after I advice I made a revision to the essay and this is it
...

This is a very good revision. Your opening statement needs some work though. Let me show you a template that you can use for better writing that part so that it will be more relevant to the prompt and connect with the rest of your essay.

- I grew up with very little friends and only family members to surround me. I guess that was because I was always an overweight child who had a tendency to be bullied by the mean kids at school. I used to think that my life could not get any worse. That is until I met Beth, a schoolmate to suffered from Vitiligo, a form of skin depigmentation illness. When I first met her in the lunchroom after she had spilled her drink down my back, I remember thinking that she was very friendly and beautiful. I saw far beyond her physical defects because she was kind to me and carried a vibrant, happy, and confident personality about her that I wished I could emulate. That was when I realized that beauty and a kind heart are more than skin deep and physical manifestations.

Vangiespen, O wow, thanks for that, I plan on working on the ending too

Vangiespen: thanks for your help so far this is my final draft, hope its good enough

As a child, growing up I had very little friends and only family members to surround me. I guess that was because I was always an overweight child who had a tendency to be bullied by the mean kids at school. I used to think that my life could not get any worse. That is until I met Beth, a schoolmate who suffered from vitiligo, a form of skin depigmentation illness. When I first met her in the lunchroom after she had spilled her drink down my back, I remember been surprised at her friendliness and confidence for someone so "flawed" I didn't expect this. I easily felt comfortable with her, as I felt we weren't both 'perfect'. But I couldn't have been more wrong. Over time knowing her I saw her in a different light, seeing far beyond her physical defects because she was kind to me and carried a vibrant, happy, and confident personality about her that I wished I could emulate. That was when I realized that beauty and a kind heart are more than skin deep and physical manifestations. My outlook has expanded beyond just my relationship with people but also to situations in reality and I find myself taking deeper consideration into judgments I make.

Over these three years since our friendship, I have come to see many things out of the light in which they are shown. In a nut shell I have learnt to not judge a book by its cover. Back then I considered people just as they appeared. As an African I always find it annoying when Africa is referred to as a country or when all Africans were seen as poor and hungry but I found myself guilty of the same offense - giving things a single story; Muslims as terrorist, Mexicans as stubborn immigrants and so on and not really giving inept consideration.

As an oversized kid, at school, I would stand out from my classmates because of my size. Offhanded comments passed around about the flabbiness of my body would pierce me like bullets. I dreaded going to the doctor in fear of stepping on the scale and seeing those number rise and getting a stern lecturing about how I need to stay healthy and exercise or doing something 'fun' like shopping. Failed diets and unsuccessful results from exercise left me hopeless. I have never been seen in shorts or, god forbid, a bathing suit. Years of shame about my weight pushed my self-esteem into the ground, I was shy and had no friends.

For a long time looking into the mirror for my reflection was as bad as a visit to the dentist. Summer before sophomore year at high school, genes kicked in and I shed off the weight and stretched to a surprising 6ft1 height. Although I had lost weight I still felt like a giant, I towered upon everybody in my class and I was really skinny which started the rumors of me being anorexic.

I have never really being able to find a balance in life, but now knowing what I know, I know that anyone who doesn't take the time to really get to know me but just judges me based on my gangly structure is at a loss because everyone as a uniqueness to them which can never be found elsewhere.