Hey guys,
Please critique this essay. It is also too long (1972 characters). The maximum limit is 1800 characters. Any ideas on how to shorten it?
Thanks!
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Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience that you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
Weaving through millions of brilliant stars and even whole galaxies, I flew through space. Stars turned into colorful streaks as I accelerated in hot pursuit. However, there seemed to be no end. I could not catch the edge of the Universe. Abortive, I returned to reality from another one of my arcade-style fantasies. I found myself staring into the starry night sky, lying on my back, still curious about the nature of the Universe.
It is mind-blowing to consider the size of the Universe. The visible Universe is a sphere of about 46.5 billion light-years, and the actual Universe could be much larger or infinite. This is even more astounding when one considers that the prevailing theory of the origin of the Universe, the Big Bang, states that the entire Universe formed from a singularity, a single point of infinite density, but at this point, our laws of physics break down.
The shape and fate of the Universe are linked to the results of the Big Bang. It was found that if the space-time is bent around itself into a spherical, finite space, the Universe has enough matter that the gravitational forces will force it to contract back into a singularity in the future. If the Universe is bent hyperbolically into a saddle-shaped, infinite space, then the Universe does not have enough matter to stop the expansion, and so it will expand forever. Finally, if the Universe has just the critical mass necessary to slow the expansion to a constant-size, space is flat and infinite.
As I learn more details, more questions arise than are answered. What lies outside the Universe? Were there ever other universes in existence? How can an infinite universe develop out of a singularity? Maybe the Universe is so intriguing because we can theorize but never know for sure. It forces me to be open-minded in considering scientific theories, no matter how outrageous, and above all, to remember to employ some imagination and creativity when tackling science.
i think you could do a better job of how this idea connects to the person you are, because it does say an idea or experience. i'm guessing when they say experience or idea they want to make a connection with the applicant and how this idea makes the applicant a unique person.
So should I cut down on the information about the origin and nature of the Universe to talk more about how it has affected my appproach to science (and actually open-mindedness applies to the world in general)?
Is there a way I can retain most of the info, but make it seem more personal? What if added my thinking/questions after each topic of info rather than all at the end?
Finally, if the Universe has just the critical mass necessary to slow the expansion to a constant-size, space is flat and infinite.----this part can be cut. I know it seems like one of the more impressie parts, but if you can look at the essay with fresh eyes and see the experience you provide for the reader, you'll see that without this sentence paragraph 2 ends in a powerful way. This sentences confuses things and sounds like something you pulled off a web page like rst.gsfc.nasa.gov/Sect20/A9.html
This is very impressive! The first para is great, and the choice of topic is great. Mention some of the people whose work inspired you, like Hawking and Hubble and whomever else...
