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University of Florida Admission essay: Key event that happend in your life



matt_eliassen 2 / 2  
Oct 24, 2009   #1
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

As I look up in to the tall Oak tree, I see a piece of shrapnel mangled and bent around a branch. I can't help but look and think of the day Hurricane Charley hit my peaceful quiet town of Charlotte Harbor August 13, 2004. I still remember the devastation it did to the town and the community.

It was just a little bit before five o'clock when the news came on telling us Charley is making a sudden turn south west Florida. That little segment on the news was the last time I would ever see any electricity again. The winds of Charley came through the town with no mercy at all; making trees snap like twigs, roofs peel off like an orange skin, and moving cars around like they're just little children's toys. All that my family could do was wait and watch.

With the end of the storms wrath finally at ease, we had our first chance to look at the neighborhood. The whole block was just a turbid vision, everything around me was unrecognizable. There was nothing of this town that looked remotely the same. With nothing to care for ourselves with we were all just stuck. But then we had some hope; it was the American Red Cross that assisted my family as well as many others. And with the food and relief the gave people, I knew that I wanted to be apart of this group of people.

So, after that encounter I volunteered to help the community that gave back so much to me. Helping people put tarps on the roofs of their house, to giving people water and food, I was very versatile in the time of need. I had a predilection for helping the people in need around me. I branched off from that incident to just giving community service hours for the sake of the community. While working with others as a team we accomplished so much.

And with that in mind I can bring a lot to the campus of University of Florida. I can help build a team to help the community in the time of need. With a quote from one of the great civil rights leaders and one who truly stood for his community Martin Luther King Jr. "Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love." And with the mentality I truly can be a great contribution to the University of Florida as a student and a volunteer to the community.

-I am a senior in high school hoping to go to UF. Help me revise tell me anything to add, fix, anything. Just for an fiy I am at the 450 word limit i dont know how many characters though.(I looked at the preview and the forum didnt indent any of my paragraphs; the indents are there.)

-Matt

kdav55 1 / 2  
Oct 24, 2009   #2
"That little segment on the news was the last time I would ever see any electricity again."

Little sounds odd in the sentence - maybe try a word like, 'brief' or something similar. The ending is misleading, as of course you have seen electricity since. It should refer to instead not seeing any electricity during the duration of the storm and after it for a while, I guess.

"..I knew that I wanted to be apart of this group of people. "

It should be a part, rather than apart.

"Helping people put tarps on the roofs of their house, to giving people water and food, I was very versatile in the time of need."

'To giving people' doesn't sound correct, and the rest of the sentence sounds slightly awkward. Possibly revise it slightly?
OP matt_eliassen 2 / 2  
Oct 24, 2009   #3
Thank you Kim,
I have another question is that an okay quote to put in the essay? I don't want it to come off weird about how it says you don't need a college degree and things like that. And are words used right like Turbid, predilection and others; I am in a creative writing class and we do words of the day and I was trying to use those words as much as possible.


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