'Because of the USSR collapse..' - UC Promt 1. Majoring in Business

Guys, can you please review my essay? I feel like something is wrong with it, so if you dont like it, I'm gonna rewrite the whole essay.

UC promt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

"Lera, I need to tell you something. Your dad is not living with us anymore" - these were the words I heard when my father left our family. I was eight but I wasn't surprised to hear this news, I haven't seen father for a while. Even though my parents have been living separately ever since, my father became the person who made me myself, who created the world I'm living in.

My father grew up in the small Russian city and didn't even dream about moving to Moscow. Being raised in the family of an alcoholic and a working woman, he had to grow up fast to look after his younger sister. He always wanted to live better, to change the world he lived in. After receiving his BA, he moved to Moscow, where he met my mother and fell in love with her. His new business became successful pretty fast and he managed to make a lot of money because of the USSR collapse.

Even though he gave me the best secondary education, he has always told me that everything I have belongs to him and I have to make my own way to the top. He makes me fill the expenditure spreadsheets every month and send it to him by email. At first, I hated him for behaving as my sponsor, not my father. However soon enough this hate turned into a strong motivation. Now one of my goals is to become independent, to prove my father that I am able to become successful and change the world all by myself.

Moreover his financial tasks like expenses calculations helped me a lot when I was a bursar of a student council. There was no need to teach me filling the spreadsheets, budget planning and keeping a ledger. School's CFO was surprised by achievements in the financing field.

To sum up, my father is the person who motivates me to work and make the grade. Even though it is tough to live in the world, where your parent act like your sponsor, I still survive and I am not going to give up. He taught me to turn my dreams into goals and achieve them no matter what. Moreover, I know that he is proud of me, because I made my way to the Stanford Summer School, because I succeeded in high school and gained respect among the teachers and the classmates.

Hello justlerik,
I'd say this is a really good topic because it showed your uniqueness.
You don't need to rewrite the whole passage, instead, revisions would be better for you.

Please note that the prompt wants you to tell the AOs your dreams and aspirations, but not how your father influenced you. So you may focus more on yourself--how you've changed---and cut off some of your father's parts. I think this is the major problem in your essay. Show yourself to the readers and use the story of your father as a reason or a encouragement why you did XXX.

If you don't mind, can you help me with my second displayed thread "tell us about what you have read and thought about"? Thank you so much!

My friend told me my essay was to harsh, so here is the second version:
Snowfall, the holiday atmosphere in the cold winter air, all of those people walking through the famous Moscow's street and my mother looking at me through the tears and telling me that my father was not going to live with us anymore: these are the memories I have from the day my dad left the family. I wasn't surprised; he worked too hard to be interested in his children's school's accomplishments or in his wife's new haircut. Nevertheless he became the person who made me myself, who created the world I'm living in.

My father had a tough life and everyone in the family knew that. He made all the way to the top, being raised in the family of an alcoholic and a working woman in the small Russian provincial city. He was never afraid to face the truth and always took a chance if he had an opportunity to do so. However his desire to achieve more destroyed his marriage; dad stopped caring about what was going on in the family.

Even though he gave me the best secondary education, he has taught me not to take anything for granted and achieve success all by myself. He wanted to show me the real life, so he was employing me every summer break. I didn't like this idea at first but his office inspired me to become a successful businesswoman. I asked him to teach me how to keep a ledger, plan the budget and negotiate with the partners. My father motivated me to study economics and mathematics on the higher level and to take business-related subjects during the universities' summer sessions.

His financial tasks helped me a lot when I was a bursar of the school's student council. There was no need to teach me filling the spreadsheets, budget planning and keeping a ledger. School's CFO was surprised by achievements in the financing field.

To sum up, my father's success motivate me to make my own way to the top. I want to prove him that I can become independent and change the world. My father taught me to turn my dreams into goals and achieve them no matter what. He taught me not to give up on my motivations, goals and aspirations and this is what I am going to do.