The value of patience and the lesson to be learned with my every loss

CommonApp Essay help Some students have a background, identity, interest or talent --

i wrote this essay and it honestly reflects my background. One of my family friend's said " That the essay should have a story and that too on a single aspect". What do i do ? Should i change the essay?

I credit my friends for influencing me and egging me on to raise the bar in all my endeavors. With my skill to prioritize and pursue multiple things at the same time, they fuelled my desire to learn and grow in different directions and to constantly broaden my perspective. My friends inspired me to raise my grades in math, join the school athletics team, explore computer science, and hone the creative side in me.

My interest in computer science went up several notches after I joined a computer training institute near my house when I was in tenth grade. My classmates there were mostly grade 12 and college students. In a few months, I was solving 12th grade computer science questions that my institute classmates would discuss in class. In my own time, I read up grade 11 and 12 computer science text books. More than the formal curriculum, just being with classmates much senior to me raised my interest and made computer science my biggest fascination.

There have been times when friends have inspired me to raise my level. I had tried hard to overcome my math phobia till grade 10. My mother who is a math teacher could only get me up to a level where I couldn't score better than a B grade. I lacked the trust in my abilities to score higher according to her. I discovered that trust in my first math test after moving into the 10th grade when a friend who never scored better than a C got an A. His success inspired me to spend long hours studying. In the summer holidays, I dug deep into every concept. The results showed up instantly. I scored an A+ in the next test. From then, I consistently scored top grades, the best in my class.

At times friends have pulled me in directions that I did not even know I wanted to go. Friends I hung around with all joined the athletics team. When we played and did things together, I did as good as them, whether it was running or jumping long or high. But when they made the athletics team and I didn't, and they would go to train regularly and I didn't, the desire to make the team kept brimming within me. The year long wait to make the next team trials was a long one, but I waited for it patiently, training on my own, getting better each day. When the day arrived, a year later, I made the team and was appointed vice captain of the school athletics team. I know today that I would not have been the athlete I have become had it not been for my friends.

I have also seen that to raise my abilities in an area that I want to develop, I need to surround myself with people better than me. When the Computer Club sought out students with creative abilities for developing interfaces of computer applications, I lost out to two other students who did better in a test meant to measure our skills. I hung around with these two, to learn from them, and discuss ways to upgrade my abilities in designing and editing videos. I watched videos on YouTube, learned from tutorials, and read blogs to unravel secrets. I learned to make characters disappear or fly, build desired weather conditions and make buildings fall. I made several short movies replicating effects from movies such as Harry Potter and Star Wars. Soon I was made the head designer of the Computer Club, a role I took seriously to win several inter-school competitions.

Now when I want to pursue an education in computer science, I seek to join a reputed program that can expose me to a talented group of peers, very different from me, from who I can learn in new ways, and grow in different directions.

Japneet, consider writing a new essay for the prompt requirement. You need to focus on just one single interest or background. In the case of this essay, you have two separate discussion going on which tend to divide the attention of the reviewer because they depict 2 different aspects of the prompt. For uniformity sake and the benefit of the reviewer, try to stick to related topics in the discussion you provide.

By the way, are you a computer science major? If you are, then you definitely need to change the presentation of this essay. Try to present a different discussion that showcases a personal rather than academic side of your personality. The essay prompt usually allows the student to present a side of himself that is not presented in the other common app essays because they are course centered. This prompt is supposed to allow the reviewer to get to know you on a different level. A more personal side that does not have to directly relate to your major because he wants to know more about you as a person, rather than as a student.

@Holt
yes i am a CS major. I do have another essay prepared :

Q) The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn.

The stadium was full, it was the Delhi zonal finals. The December morning was chillier than usual but none of the finalist were cold. Our bodies warmed up after an hour of practice and everyone had eyes on the gold medal. Setting up my starting block on the track I was overwhelmed to see such a big crowd. I could feel the pressure build up, the seriousness in the eyes of the competitors and the energy in the crowd. I took my position on the track and closed my eyes until I heard the words - On your marks, set, Go! -

...

Japneet, you don't need to create that dramatic opening statement. You can present your story from the first year that you lost the competition. Use a chronological presentation for the essay because the lessons that you learned were fundamental to your next round of competition, the training that you did, and the mindset that you developed. Also, it avoids the need to have you revise your concluding statement to make it circle around to connect with your opening statement. The story is effective in delivering your failure and lesson learned. The semi-humorous note of discussion with your trainer shows that you know how to take failure lightly while still taking it seriously enough to want to succeed. The essay really works for the prompt statement. However, the opening statement, is really unnecessary in my opinion.

@Holt
Thanks for your advice, i think i will make the changes that you proposed. Thanks again !!

Just one more thing :
should i write more about my training and the mindset that i developed ?

Definitely. Develop the discussion about your mindset and training because the development of those two sections will help to show the process of maturity that you have undergone. From failing and feeling sad and disheartened to overcoming self pity, to analyzing the failure you had, then the slow but sure evolution of your mindset, all of these aspects have to be properly developed and represented in the essay. Are you writing based on a word limitation? If you are then you might have to consider editing some of the other content of your essay so you can strengthen the presentation of specific sections. Just make sure that the development clearly showcases the development of your maturity in various aspects throughout the essay.

@Holt
so should i add something like this in the middle :
'i knew i had to get over this fear as it had screwed me before as well. (then a little description about that incident).'

Go ahead and add that part. Make sure to properly develop the paragraph in order to make it a valid and important part of the discussion. Keep the maximum word count in mind and make edits, changes, or deletions whenever necessary in order to accommodate the expanded explanation. Sometimes, you will have to sacrifice trivial parts of the essay in favor of the major content. You will have to discern the unimportant parts of the essay for yourself. That is how you will learn to edit yourself for content and relevance to the essay prompt. Please don't hesitate to ask clarification questions if you feel you are uncertain about something. I'll try to respond as soon as I can. I am getting excited about reading your new version. I am sure it will be a fantastic revised version.

@Holt
thanks for the advice and for the excitement, makes me wanna draft an awesome version

but the part that i am thinking about adding is one of the tech events that i attended earlier and faced the same issue. whats your take on that ?

In my opinion, you should stick to only one topic for discussion in the essay because the reviewer can tend to get confused when you discuss more than one topic in the essay. For uniformity sake and relevance, it is best to just discuss the related issues. It doesn't matter if you never won the same competition. What matters is that you show some sort of improvement over time which will justify your the lessons that you learned. One of the lessons that you may have learned since you kept losing would be the value of patience and the lesson to be learned with every loss. You can easily fit in that discussion into the essay instead of the new activity. If you add a new activity, the reviewer may tend to get confused and wonder how the new activity fit in with the past. By keeping the discussion focused on only one topic, the reviewer will not lose his place while reading your essay.