Can someone please critique. I am a senior about to graduate from high school and need assistant prior to submitting essay with my application.
Education and Life: A Personal Statement. In this essay, discuss your educational goals including why you wish to study your chosen major.
The purpose of my essay is to discuss my educational goals and to elaborate as to why I wish to study in my chosen major. After I graduate, I would like to Major in Business Administration and Minor in Dance and Fashion Design. I would like to become a choreographer at a dance company and make costumes for dancers which will enable me to pursue both talents together. I will major in business while getting a minor in dance and fashion design to open bigger doors for the future. I would like to be my own entrepreneur by studying business which enable me to open my own dance company and fashion line.
Starting out in my field as a choreographer, I want to join a modern dance company. As I grow as a dancer, I can branch out into my own company. I would like to form a versatile company with various types of dance. Mainly, it will be modern and hip hop oriented. Having my own school would be a big privilege so I could show children there are many ways in expressing your feelings.
Opening my own fashion line of clothes and costumes for dancers is also a career job I would like to achieve. There are not many designer clothes that are affordable for everyone which I would like to make high class quality clothes affordable. Since I am a dancer I think clothes tell a story and I can make the perfect costume for specific dances.
At the present, I am pursuing my goal during my junior and senior year in which I auditioned and was accepted into the Performing Arts for Dance at my present school, Woodbridge Senior High school. As a dance student, I have studied technique such as ballet, modern, and jazz, dance composition, anatomy/kinesiology, dance history and basic dance production. Just recently I presented a solo as a part of the exit requirement for the program. In my previous years, I auditioned for the Dance Team and succeeded while in 7th and 8th grade at Fred Lynn Middle school and again in 9th and 10th grade at C.D. Hylton High school. I have won several awards and trophies working as a team with my fellow members.
After researching Virginia Commonwealth University, I feel that the university best fits my needs and ability of achieving my goals for the future. I have also received great input from current and previous students which has also confirmed my decision to attend VCU.
Instead of writing "I would like to" twice, change the second one to:
I hope to become a choreographer at a dance company and make costumes for dancers. This will enable me to apply both talents together.
Also:
Having my own school would be a big privilege so I could show children there are many ways in expressing their feelings.
Make sentences shorter and more manageable:
At the present, I am already pursuing my goal during my junior and senior years of high school. I auditioned and was accepted into the Performing Arts for Dance. at my present school, Woodbridge Senior High school.
God luck!!!
