My village and its customs that changed my life!

Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal, is the place where my mother was married at the tender age of 16. It is located in a very rural area and barely has any facilities that the capital Kathmandu has. During my childhood, I had to frequently see my mother in the hospital. I would talk to her often and I remember promising her that I would become a doctor one day so I could 'fix' her. As a child, I was always curious as to what was giving my mother so much pain. One day, on asking the psychiatrist who treated my mother, I discovered that the cause of her illness cause was the shock she received on getting married at the early age.

One of my visits to Kaudena, turned out to be the most life changing. I almost became a child bride myself at the age of 13, when my grandfather insisted I must be married offer but my father thought otherwise. He wanted me to have a better future than the other girls from our village. He wanted me to have the freedom to choose my husband even though my parents were a result of an advanced marriage themselves. I remember thinking to myself how different people there were from anyone I had met in Kathmandu. I found myself in a state of mind that maybe my mother felt when she was my age. I knew I didn't want that for myself.

My father was the first generation to discontinue the tradition which was ritually passed on from one generation to the next. He wanted something more for me too. He has always tended to help the family regardless of where he was in his work. He has always been supportive of my ambitions and I feel grateful to him for the decision he took going against the society's value to educate me. When my mother frequently visited hospital because of the depression and anxiety attacks, my father would prepare meals, clean the house, wash clothes, and stich my torn school dresses so that I did not have to miss my school. He is what made me who I am today. I will make my father feel proud on me in the near future.

The day I overheard the conversation between my father and grandfather, and considering what had happened to my mother, I became determined that in the days to come, I would bring the girls of my village in the new light of educational and economic prosperity so that they would not undergo psychological disorders as my mom did, so that they would not hear about their marriage at their teenage as I did. I have an ambition to uplift the poor economy of villages such as my own and take the villagers out of the cycle of poverty in which they are bound to live in today.

I have been working for Hoste Hainse for the past two and a half years. Tutoring the poor children of the NGO gives me a sense of inner satisfaction. Last summer, the same program helped me to revisit Kaudena, but this time I went there with an intention of spreading awareness among local community about the impacts of early marriage. With the education and experiences I wish to receive I want to someday work for societies such as mine.

I like to think I have already started my journey....

One day, on UPON asking the psychiatrist who treated my mother...
- You need to prepare a transition sentence or two here that will prepare the reader for the fact that you will refer to a previous visit. Mention that you moved away after your mother got well as part of the transition sentence.

... insisted I must be married offer but my ...
... of her illness cause was the shock shereceived on CAUSE BY getting married ...
of an advanced ARRANGED marriage themselves.
I remember thinking to myself [...] proud on me in the near future.
- The only thing the reviewer needs to know is that your father saved you from an early marriage. You don't need to discuss his character in detail as that does not relate to the prompt anymore.

about their marriage at AS their teenage as I did.
awareness among THE local community about...
I want to someday work for societies such as mine.
- I'm not sure what you mean by this. Do you mean to want to work to change the societies such as the one you came from? I think you need to revise the sentence to give it a clearer meaning.

I remember promising... ==> REMEMBERED
the shock she received on ==> the shock CAUSED BY
... ritually passed on from one generation to the next==> passed THROUGH generation.
He has always been supportive of my ambitions==> He has always been MY AMBITIONS SUPPORT
I think your writing is good and I hope that these things will help you!
Good luck!

Holt Thank you very much ..... Huynh Anh ..Thank you!!
How can I write the transition .. I am a bit confused here ..
"One of my visits to Kaudena, turned out to be the most life changing" Won't this act as a transition ?
Please help me!!

Here is how I think you can transition the sentence. You can start with:
... discovered that the cause of her illness cause was the shock she received on getting married at the early age. When she got better, my father decided that it was time to move our family to Kathmandu. From time to time, I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.

One of my visits to Kaudena...

As I recall, your family moved when you were 8 right? So you have to reference that in your essay so that the reviewer will know that there is a transition coming up. What you wrote was the actual information in a new paragraph. When you are writing a narrative essay such as this, you always need to prepare a transition sentence or sentences because without it, the reader tends to get confused and lose his place while reading. In this case, a simple, yet informative transition is required just to make the change of topic seamless.

Can I use this as a 5th paragraph Holt?

The source of my inspiration is my Madhesi community and its unexpected challenges that always acts as a catalyst for change within me. In my community, the mind never impede the girls from getting what they want but the mindset does,thus, my ambition is to make a change in their mindset.

Also ..these two sentences seem to be unrelated.How do I make it swift?
One of my visits to Kaudena, turned out to be the most life changing. I almost became a child bride myself at the age of 13, when my grandfather insisted I must be married but my father thought otherwise.

THANKS HOLT !

Okay. Let's pick up the paragraph from the following:
...getting married at the early age. When she got better, my father decided that it was time to move our family to Kathmandu. From time to time, I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.

You can follow it up with a new paragraph that can starts this way:
When I was 13, I visited Kaudena with my family. Little did I know that this visit would be the most life altering period of my life. This was the time when I almost suffered the same fate as my mother. I almost became a child bride myself because my grandfather insisted that I must be married off before my dowry became too expensive. Lucky for me, my father had a different mindset and disagreed with my grandfather...

I think that you can use the Madhesi community paragraph as your 5th paragraph. You need to make a few changes to it in order to make it better though. I suggest the following:

... is my Madhesi community IN KAUDENA and BECAUSE OF its unexpected SOCIAL challenges that always acts SERVES as a catalyst ...In my community, the mind never impede the girls from getting what they want but the mindset IS WHAT IMPEDES A WOMAN'S IMPROVEMENT IN LIFE. does,thus, THUS my ambition is to make INFLUENCE a change in their mindset.

Thank you very much Holt !!!
..I have tried to edit this essay Please check it !!
Edited version..NOV 1... BACKGROUND

More editing work. I hope you won't mind :-)

...to frequently see visit my mother... One day, upon asking I REQUESTED the psychiatrist who treated my mother TO EXPLAIN TO ME ABOUT WHAT WAS AILING HER, . I ... the cause of her illness cause was the shock caused by getting married at ANthe early age.... got slightLY better, my father decided ...

My father was the first IN HIS generation to discontinue...
. He has always tended to help the family regardless of where he was in his work. He has always been supportive of my ambitions ...
... , I would bring the girls of my village in the new light of OPEN THE MINDS OF THE GIRLS IN MY VILLAGE TO THE IDEA THAT THEY CAN ALSO HAVE educational and economic prosperity. I WOULD SAVE THEM FROM THE FATE OF MY MOTHER. so that they would not undergo psychological disorders as my mom ... I have an ambition t...

... With the education and experiences I wish to receive WILL BE RECEIVING, I want to someday work for THE BENEFIT societies such as mine THE ONE I LEFT IN KAUDENA.

My edits are meant to give your essay a deeper meaning. I hope it works for you.

Re edited...My village and its customs that changed my life!nov 1!

Kaudena, a village located at the south ...

I like to think I have already started my journey....

If you combine the first and second paragraph into one you can shorten the length of your essay and make it easier to read. Since the first and second paragraphs are connected in terms of content, then you can join the two and create a more solid paragraph. The rest of the essay seems okay. If it were up to me, I would use this essay already. I feel that it is as ready as it can be and can't be edited any more. It delivers on all aspects. If I were to make a final change to the essay though, it would be to remove the last line that ends in ellipses. It doesn't really read like a strong closing to the essay. It is just hanging there, waiting for more information to be provided. While without it, the essay closes on a hopeful and strong note. Again, that is just my opinion. If you want to keep that line in then do so.

Holt I like to use this paragraph as an interesting opening >>
When my mother was my age, she loved chicken baked in red hot spicy chili sauce, just as I do now. When my mother was my age, she loved new dresses so much that she would "accidently" tear one to get another, just as I do now. When my mother was my age, she was already married off...

But then I don't know how to merge this paragraph with the current 1st and 2nd ..
please help!!
THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH!!!

Can I use the Last Line as the opening of the last paragraph??
Thanks Holt!

In answer to the question above. You can certainly use that last line to open the last paragraph. In fact, it will help to further improve the sentiment that you are portraying in that paragraph. It gives a sense of sentimentality and hope for the future. That is an excellent idea on your part. By all means, go ahead and do it.

As for the merging. Here is what I have in mind in terms of blending the new paragraph with the current one:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal...

New opening:
When my mother was my age... When my mother was my age, she was already married off...

New 2nd paragraph:
During my childhood, I had to ... I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.

New 3rd paragraph:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal... the capital Kathmandu has. When I was 13, I visited Kaudena with my family...

I decided that the opening statement still had some use in your essay provided it was placed in a paragraph where it made the most sense to place it. I hope you see it the same way.

Thanks Holt !!

When my mother was my age, she loved ...

Is this fine Holt?

Can you add a line to the end of the opening paragraph. I think this line will help tie in your sentiments with the rest of the essay. I wonder if you would be agreeable to adding the following:

... already married off. When my mother was my age, she was already suffering from the consequences of being a child bride in an arranged marriage.

I think this will effectively transition the paragraph into the next one that starts with:
During my childhood, I had to frequently visit my mother in the hospital...
Aside from this very slight revision, I believe the essay is more than ready for you to submit already. I apologize for the late addition to the essay. It only occurred to me to add that line as I was reviewing it again a few moments ago. I hope you can use it.

THANKS HOLT!! I made the revision

When my mother was my age, she loved new dresses ... she was already married off and suffering from the consequences of being a child bride in an arranged marriage.

During my childhood, my mother was often hospitalized. ...From time to time, I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.
Kaudena, a village located ... Lucky for me, my father had a different mindset. He wanted me to have the freedom ...
I want to someday work for the benefit societies such AS the one I left in Kaudena.
I hope the changes I made to the essay are clear to you. It comes out with 478 characters after the edit. I am not sure what your actual limit is on the words but I am guessing it is 500 and we are well below that limit at the moment.

Hello there,,
I am going to give some corrections for your writing..
may my correction can help your writing..

1. Kaudena(Kaduna), a village located at the south of Nepal
2. I like to think(that)I have already started my journey
3.From time to time(long by long), I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.

I do apologize if have many mistake in my corrections
i hope my correction is useful..
thank you.

The day I overheard the conversation between my father and grandfather, and considering what had happened to my mother, I .........take the villagers out of the cycle of poverty in which they are bound to live in today.

The source of my inspiration is my Madhesi community in Kaudena because of its unexpected challenges that always serves as a catalyst for change within me. In my community...mindset

I like to think I have already started my journey. I have been working for Hoste Hainse for the past two and a half years. .......someday work for the benefit societies such as the one I left in Kaudena.

WHAT about these paragraphs HOLT??

The paragraphs that you mentioned are already in its final form. That is why it was not included in the latest round of revisions that I made. Unless of course you want to make changes to those paragraphs? Basically, the changes I advised you to apply the last time should help you create the final form of your essay. Do you have any more problems with the overall content, grammar, of depiction of the essay theme? If you do, then I will work with you regarding fixing that. Otherwise, the essay should be ready for submission. If you would like, we can cut down some more on the discussion about your mother's illness and the early marriage your grandfather was insisting upon. If you have a word count limitation, those are the parts that we can edit without affecting the overall content of your essay.

Here are the paragraphs where I feel we can delete portions without affecting the overall essay:

Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal, is the place where my mother was married at the tender age of 16. It is located in a very rural area and barely has any facilities that the capital Kathmandu has.

... family. Little did I know that this visit would be the most life altering period of my life. ... DURING THIS VISIT, I almost became a child bride myself because my grandfather insisted...

expensive. Lucky for me, my father had a different mindset ...
He wanted me to have a better future than the other girls from our village. ...
... generation to the next. He wanted something more for me too. He has always been supportive of my ambitions and I feel grateful to h...

Thanks Holt!!

1. Since this is not an activity that you did only once, then the choice is "visits". The plural form is required because of the number of times an activity has been done.

2. We are talking abut your father's mindset. He and your mother had an arranged marriage. If you want a more precise declaration, you can say "... his marriage to my mother was also arranged." Otherwise, keep the original statement.

3. Use the original statement I wrote. I already revised the content for you before. It is in the correct format.

Do not overthink things. The more you try to correct things. Stop trying to add information to the essay or trying to restate things. At this point, with the essay already in its current form, changing one part will mean revising either a whole paragraph of the whole essay. Learn to leave well enough alone. Otherwise, you will not find satisfaction in your work and the essay will never be ready for submission.