From visiting my two brothers at UCF I determined that UCF is the perfect school for me.

I also wrote another essay for UCF. To save space, I'll just add it here.

Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

During high school, I looked through many colleges to see which college was best for me. From visiting my two brothers at UCF I determined that UCF is the perfect school for me.

Both of my brothers have become successful after leaving UCF. They both have stable and reliable jobs, which is mainly because of attending UCF. One of my brothers, worked on campus for UCF. While working, a famous company in New York became interested in him. Now he still works for the same company after many years. I want to be like this. Like my brother I would be more than willing to work on campus for UCF. With the large amount of jobs and surrounding businesses, finding a job would be more than easy.

Both of my brothers said that the campus was superb and that they would never change to any other schools. After visiting them, I noticed many of the students showing school pride by wearing gold and black shirts and from participating in the UCF blackout football games.

...

Good afternoon.

One of my brothers worked on campus for UCF.

After visiting them, I noticed many of the students showing school pride by wearing gold and black shirts and from participating in the UCF blackout football games. I also noticed how UCF is constantly updating itself. I noticed that there are new dorms being built, the high-tech gym, and the brand new amazingly looking football stadium.

Another thing I know about UCF is that the large number of majors that I can choose from. UCF is also known for having excellent academic colleges. However, I am mainly interested in majoring either in biology, computer science, or history."

Your ending is a bit too abrupt, and it introduces new information, so I suggest reworking it so that it restates the main points already discussed and wraps up the entire piece.