I am a warm-hearted girl; Mich Supp- international community

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

It was my first time to be such a great distance away from my home by myself when I came to the United States to study. As an international student, I live in a large community of a residential dorm. In fact, it is not only a community, but also a big family with approximately two hundred family members from every corner in the world.

I had only attended North Broward Preparatory School for five months when I was chosen to be one of the residential prefects for the next fall. I was so proud of myself because it was such an honor to stand out among all the candidates. It has been challenging to undertake this responsibility. My tasks are to help all the other residential students adjust to dorm life, answer any questions they have and assist dorm parents with scheduling activities on the weekends. Besides, all the residential prefects hold a meeting every week to discuss issues in the dorm, and bring up ideas that can help build active dorm life.

I am a warm-hearted girl. It makes me feel great when I can lend a hand to others. I am glad that all the students in the dorm feel comfortable coming to me with any problems. I take my job as a residential assistant earnestly. I enjoy being in this dynamic dormitory, and I will continue meeting the challenge of living in a diverse community with friends from all over

Can anyone help me plz?

"It was my first time to be such a great distance away from my home by myselfthe first time I was alone and so far away from home(it just seems more natural) when I came to the United States to study."

"I was so proud of myself because it was such an honor to stand out among all the candidates."

"As an international student, I live in a large community of a residential dorm. In fact, it is not only a community, but also a big family with approximately two hundred family members from every corner in the world." :A little too long? Your opening paragraph should strike the reader, and if it's wordy and rambling like this you don't necessarily catch the reader's attention immediately.

It tells a lot about the kind of person you are, but I don't think the essay is particularly memorable. It isn't gripping or one-of-a-kind and won't distinguish you from everyone else, and it seems that any residential prefect from your school could write the exact same essay and send it in. Anecdotes?

But that's just my opinion.

"It has been challenging to undertake this responsibility."
This sentence is extraneous, the only necessary part of it is the word 'challenging': incorporate that somewhere else in the essay, in that paragraph.

"I am a warm-hearted girl.":
Don't say. Show. If you wat to illustrate your kindness don't say it straight out like that, give the reader an example. It also is a bad start to a paragraph, the second sentence is a nicer start.

Too many of your sentences start with the word 'I' or 'my', and that can annoy people.

Thank you so much for the suggestions! I guess i need to write something more unique about myself

There is no period at the end of the essay.

Add a comma here:
I was so proud of myself, because it was such an honor to stand out among all the candidates.

You did a good job of answering the prompt, but an essay like this should reinforce the fact that you have your eyes focused on your studies, major, and career, so it would be nice if you found a way to mention how your career aspirations fit into all this.

:-)