"Warrior Princess"- KARATE ; Extracurricular activities

So, if you guys see anything that should be fixed in terms of grammar structure or writing style, please let me know as this maybe the last revision before I finally submit it. Thank you for your time.

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

A version of my first name means "warrior princess", and to a little girl who believed in fantasies and thought the world of

warriors, this name was very appealing. Little did I know, this was no fantasy. After persuading my concerned parents, I
started karate classes at the age of 10. Two years later, I am standing before the judges who will decide if I deserve a black
belt. I gave it everything I can and was one of the few people who passed the test. Finally, I could see how sincerely my

parents supported me and believed in what I'm doing. Before the day I fought in my first local tournament, I did not know what

real pressure meant. I was the "new girl" who no one expected to win, and who surprised everyone by getting a gold medal.

By 2012, I had already made it into the national team and competed in all kinds of tournaments I could dream of. This
experience did not teach me fantastic materialistic skills as I thought it would, but intangible qualities that I will always cherish.

I believe the essay is well-written and I do not see any glaring errors in grammar; however, I believe that the essay lacks a clear understanding of what karate means to you. These supplemental essays are truly about understanding you. In this essay I feel like I am reading something impersonal. How does karate make you feel? Perhaps one example - like the first local tournament - would be better to focus on than everything at once. Best of luck!

Thank you so much you guys. You've been a great help.
@ dumi, do you not suggest I re-write it then? Is it as an over all fairly-written as far as the focus of the essay?

I don't see any reason as to why you should re-write it. For me it flows really beautiful and contains very good points to support you with your scholarship application.


It is an over all outstanding essay :)
If at all you need to add anything, give some thought for what abrownie mentioned;


You can replace the following sentence with another line to talk about how Karate impacted your personality.


Even if you don't make any changes and leave it as it is, it reads well :)