"I have a willingness to help people"- event, experience, accomplishment in your life

Hello all. This is what I have so far for my UF essay. It is not complete but I would like to know if I am on the right track so far. Thanks! I have about 350 words so far and the limit is 500.

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

I was born and raised in the small Isthmus of Panama. Due to this, I grew up in a background of mixed cultures. Half my family is American and the other half is Panamanian so I took in a little bit of both to become the person that I am today. Probably the biggest and most useful thing I obtained from this mix of cultures was the ability to fluently speak in both English and Spanish. As a result I was able to interact with a wide variety of people and often, I have used this ability to help them on several occasions. Take last Friday for example. I was in line waiting to order an ice cream at the mall when the person in front of me happened to be American. She and the cashier had trouble understanding each other. The woman looked very flustered and confused while the cashier was looking more and more impatient. Noticing this, I immediately stepped in and translated. The lady thanked me and happily went on her way with an ice cream cone in hand. I felt quite good about myself that I had a part in this woman's happiness.

Another example where I used this ability to help others would be at school. I attend a bilingual school and most of the students who attend this school speak Spanish as their first language. Because of this, many of them have trouble with the classes given in English. More than once, they have come to me for help. I'm always glad to help them, often explaining the meaning of a story we just read in Literature or giving them the definition of a word they've never heard before. I never ask for any compensation for this; instead, simply seeing one of them get a good grade because of my help is reward enough. My language skills helped me come to the realization that I have a willingness to help people whenever I can. If another student at UF needs a Spanish tutor, I will gladly help him or her out. It gives me great satisfaction to know that I can make someone else's life a little bit easier.

Therefore I decided that I would like to pursue a career that I would really enjoy and at the same time receive the satisfaction of helping others. At school, I particularly enjoyed Biology so I have decided upon a career in Microbiology. I hope to develop new medicines and vaccines to fight the terrible diseases that inflict us humans. What better way to help people than to develop something that would make their lives easier or possibly even save their lives? Knowing that UF has the largest microbiology program in the United States, I think it is the best place to go in order for me to achieve my future career goals. If admitted to UF I will do my best in my courses and always strive to help others in any way possible.

Hi,

It seems that you have helped people with your language skills which is good. However I think you need to make some statements that explain how these skills would contribute positively to your college life and UF community. Think about it and include some statements sothat you are in line with the question.

Also,
I grew up in somewhat of a clash of cultures.
I suggest;
I grew up in a background of mixed cultures. (I think the word clash is not appropriate because it gives a sense of disagreement or conflict)

She and the cashier were havinghad a trouble in understanding each other.
I go toattend a bilingual school butand most of the students who go there attend this school speak Spanish as their first language.

Hi Harmony,

It seems like your language skills is very useful. That is really good.

Overall, I think wrote very well. I realized that there are only two paragraghs in your essay. When I was in colleage, I was taught that an assay should have three parts: opening,body and closing.

In this case, I would write
Opening: Introduce your willingness to help people with your language skills.
Body: Explain your background and two real examples you have experienced.
Closing: State again how useful your english skills are and your enthusiasm to help people.

I believe that an essay which has three parts will impress the reader what you really want to say. And your essay will be more concise and impressive.

Hopefully, my ideas would help.

Tomomi

You still need to work on it a little more, and like the person above me said, talk about how that would contribute positively to UF.

Also,
was the ability to fluently speak in both English and Spanish

Hi,

It is now better, but give some thought for what is highlighted in red;

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service .

In your essay you talk only about "call to service". See whether you can touch on others (at least one or two) such as how your skills would contribute you to become a more responsible student, or to improve your academic integrity etc.

Also, I rewrote your idea in your first para in a different style. Just have a look and see whether you can further improve your first para because it is the one that should make a good impression with your evaluators;

I was born and raised in the small Isthmus of Panama, which gave me the opportunity to grow up in a diverse culture. I come from a family which is half American and half Pamamanian. This background helped me earn a rich exposure of both cultures and most importantly, it helped me to develop my linguistic skills in both English and Spanish. My fluency in English and Spanish has enabled me to interact easily with people who belong to both these communities and also to offer my help whenever they had communication issues. For example,...

Hello! I edited my essay and due to a time constraint, I had to send it right away but I thank you all so much for your help! I know that if I am accepted to UF, I owe it in part to all of you helped me. Thanks again!