Anonymous13 1 / 1 Jan 14, 2013 #1I have lost many social opportunities throughout high school due to working many hours every week. I have endured days filled with monotony and physical exhaustion from working and also attempting to be a good student in school. However, in return, I have developed a strong work ethic and have become a more mature and responsible seventeen year old. Over the past few years, I have obtained work experience at several restaurants and a salon. Working with people has taught me to possess a positive attitude and has helped me gain key traits in my character such as humility. I have helped my mother start her Salon business, which allowed me to gain a better insight about managing a business. I think that my experience with working in restaurants has contrasted from other teenagers because I have held greater responsibilities that most seventeen year olds would acquire, such as managing a restaurant on Sundays and days the owner could not come in. Although there were times that I despised working and preferred having a typical teenage Friday night, I am grateful with what I have learned because I think that it will help me one day in the future when I get a real job with business. Overall, I have learned how to operate efficiently in a professional environment. Although, I feel confident with my decision and passion for business, I do feel that I have a lot more to learn to become successful and would like to gain more skills in college.
katev 18 / 120 24 Jan 14, 2013 #2There are no blatant grammar errors. You formulate sentences well. However, my one critique would be to make what you say unique. Not to sound mean, but I know a lot of people who can say "working taught me to have a good work ethic, etc..." What can you say that no one else can? What will catch the AdCom's attention?
jkjeremy - / 380 72 Jan 14, 2013 #3There aren't many blatant punctuation errors, but there are indeed grammar problems:---Too many sentences begin with the phrase "I have." (I stopped counting at three.)---This appears to be about 250 words but you could have said the same things in 200 words. Check this out:"I think that my experience with working in restaurants has contrasted from other teenagers...""Although there were times that I occasionally despised..."Furthermore, what the person above me said about originality was correct.
tffnycheng 4 / 15 2 Jan 15, 2013 #4Just fix the grammatical errors as others have mentioned and your good.Good luck!