How should I write my discretionary Admissions for my university?

Hi everyone here,

I am a student who is applying for a IT course in one of the universities. However, i have trouble in writing my discretionary admissions section.This section is an opportunity for students to list the activities that have been involved in besides our academic work.

We would have to elaborate on our involvement, and achievements in the activities that we had participated.We can also discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that we have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that we are applying for at the university.

Therefore, i need everyone help here.

I would appreciated if someone can help me to edit my essay, thanks a lot in advance :)

I am a student studying diploma in business enterprise in IT in Nanyang polytechnic. My course is about using IT systems to provide innovative business solutions. Therefore, I've participated in many project work which involved this a lot. I've learnt how to use the advantage of technology to meet business requirements, as well as provide business solutions.

I have a deep interest in further my studies on information systems or something that is tied closely to my course because i would like to apply my knowledge and skills onto it again. Recently, i had also participated in a SAP Dashboard Design Challenge(Southeast Asia) and got into 6 finalists. I've found my interest in this areas and I hope that I get the chance to make use of my knowledge gained from my polytechnic course.

other activities i had participated:

1. Community service
2. Helping out at school events
3. Silver Infocomm event

Best regards,
Jesline

We would have to elaborate on our involvement and achievements in associated with the activities in which we we had participated.

I fixed that sentence, above, but I still think it can be better. How about just doing this:
We would have to elaborate on our involvement and achievements. We can also discuss a special talent, a personal ...

I am a student studying for my diploma in ...

I've learnt how to use the advantage of technology to meet business requirements, as well as provide providing business solutions.

I have a deep interest in further furthering my studies on...

You should say what kind of community service you are talking about! :-)
Also, everyone likes a story. You should let the reader know what kinds of goals you have for the future... and be specific. That way, the reader will feel emotionally invested in your story.