PROMPT : Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would
be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Fun fact; what kind of a child are you when you receive ten phone calls per hour from your mom when you're out, have
immense pressure to do well academically, are the focus of all your parent's attention, and have no one to blame when you get
into trouble?
Yes that's right, an only child.
[...]
The latter part of your essay deviated from the prompt and no longer built up the idea of your central identity development. It began to focus on the reasons that you feel you have to get away from your family instead. Never stray from the expected discussion. In this case, all you had to do was explain what you learned about yourself and an independent individual during your trip abroad and how even after returning home, you felt the need to cut the umbilical cord from your family in order to begin living your life. Clearly define the central identity that you came to discover during your trip. In this case, that would be the independent part of your personality and how it has helped you become a better person even though it sometimes means defying your family's dictates.
Wow! That is a very powerful statement that you developed back there. It actually helps improve the essay that you wrote a thousand times. You know what? You can actually delete your second and third paragraphs in favor of this one. The explanation and emotional attachment that is quite evident in this piece of writing did not exist in the first version that you wrote. I can sense that you did your best to connect yourself to the writing and allowed yourself to show a sheltered part of your sentiments in the process. Trust me, when you write as openly as this, the essay cannot help but improve. Here is what I would like you to do at the moment, place this paragraph in place of the second and third one while keeping an original copy of your first version. Now, read both versions. Compare the two and decide for yourself which version you prefer to use and wish to spend a bit more time improving. I will work with you on improving whichever version you opt to use :-)
What kind of a child are you when you receive ten phone calls per hour from your mother when you're out, have immense pressure to do well academically, are the focus of all your parent's attention, and have no one to blame when you get
into trouble?
Yes that's right, an only child.
I have always craved independence, but my conservative family made it quite difficult for me to indulge in any kind of liberation. Then came along a very exciting opportunity: a trip to Italy for the seniors of our school. Not only was I excited but also heartbroken at the same moment because I was quite sure my over protective mother would not let me go, and just thinking of all my friends going, leaving me behind, saddened me deeply. But with daring optimism I presented to my mother the form for our trip and she said 'sounds fun, you should go'.
On this trip I discovered a whole new side to myself. A version of me not under the shadow of my parents but open to the world without a filter screen. All on my own, I learned and experienced more than I ever had before. Every day was a new challenge, and overcoming it was an adventure not a hassle of some sort. Although previously never being able to tie my own shoelaces, I somehow managed to put in an efficient knot every morning before leaving the hotel. By the last day I had perfected the art of tying shoe laces. This just serves as an example of what I could accomplish on my own with enough perseverance and dedication. Previously I had never put in the effort to attempt anything within the realms of unknown territory and resorted to the help of my parents, but after this experience I wanted to find out what were my capabilities , what I could achieve on my own. Even after returning to Dubai I always wondered what it would be like be all myself again. Being out of my comfort zone is what pushed me to work to the extent of my potential. Being my own boss, the liberty, the freedom was the most exhilarating experience I had ever felt, but it all came for a price-responsibility.
This was a feeling I didn't want to let go which led me to the decision of studying abroad. I started working harder for school, strove to be a better son and student alike and did whatever I had to, in order to make this dream come true. I had the privilege
of experiencing the idea of life from a completely new perspective, in an entirely new situation and didn't want to limit these instances to such a sleek frame of time; I wanted it for the long haul.
To do justice to my dream, I wish to study in the USA; where I could obtain a world class education from the best of institutions, engage in new activities which might not be available elsewhere, be closer to exciting opportunities and also make new friendships along the way.
@vangiespen Thank you so much for the help, this is what ive come up with, ive replaced the 3rd 4th and 5th para with the new paragraph i wrote, please tell me if this is adequate or i should add more from my previous essay, or add more to my new para
My deadline is in 6-7 hours, eagerly waiting for your reply
