It is well-written and evokes a strong mental picture. I agree with Sean here--it could be condensed and the ending could be more of a transition into how you would be a good candidate for admission. Even if you were to briefly say that you are a bridge between two cultures and you are appreciative for the new lease on life your adoptive mother gave you (and won't squander those opportunities), it would tie the story to the application process.
There are a few grammar notes. I won't go over everything because of time constraints, but here are a few to get you started:
Parties surrounded by our friends and families often in awe of the transition we've have made from childhood to a young woman.
Mustafa commented on this sentence as well. The parties aren't surrounded by your friends and families. The parties aren't in awe either. You don't transition from childhood to a young woman either. You could transition from childhood to adulthood or from a child to a young woman. See the difference here? I won't rewrite these sentences because I think that you have the ability to do that on your own. Sometimes we become some familiar with our own writing that we don't see how things read to others.
It is a defining moment for many. It was even more than that for me, a life-changing moment.
You could lose these two sentences and the essay wouldn't really miss them. If you feel you need a transition here, I'd make it more brief. Something like: My sixteenth birthday was a life-changing event for me.
On my special day, I received a life-altering gift from my mom.
Take out life-altering
and get right to the description of the gift. It would strengthen the flow of the essay in my opinion.
She presented me with a beautiful leather bound journal, in which she had carefully, and in immense detail, chronicled her arduous journey as a single woman to adopting a baby from Peru.
Add a hyphen between the words leather
. Take out the comma after the word journal
. I think I'd change the word woman
here. We already know that she is a woman, but the telling us that she is a single parent gives more of an emotional tie. Omit the word to
. It makes your verb tense incorrect.
Mom explained that she had waited until this moment, my "sweet sixteen" to be confident that with her candid entries, I had the maturity to both value and comprehend the circumstances surrounding my birth, adoption, all within the context of the culture and political climate of Peru.Sweet sixteen
doesn't need to be in quotes, but it does need to be set off by either commas or em-dashes (one of those long dashes that a lot of word-processing programs will give you when you use two hyphens in a row--I can't do one with the formatting of this website). The word culture
needs to be cultural
because it is acting as an adjective modifying climate
. It is still a long sentence and the reader has to struggle a bit to make sense of it all. I'd omit a couple of the words to tighten it up just a bit. It would be better reading something like: Mom explained that she had waited until this moment--my sweet sixteen--to share her candid entries with me knowing that I had the maturity to comprehend the circumstances surrounding my birth within the context of the cultural climate of Peru. I know, I know. I took out some pretty important words there . . . confident, adoption, value, political . . . if you are attached to those words, you could rework this so that it was broken into two sentences that didn't lose the reader half way through.
I was immediately flooded with the rich memories as a childof childhood
would read better here.
Casa Los Nińo's, a state run orphanage.
Are you sure that this is the name of the orphanage? Could it have been La Casa de los Nińos
? Spanish has a very consistent grammar structure and I can't see them leaving off the primary article (the) or the preposition (of). Nińos
doesn't have an apostrophe. When you write this in your essay, italicize the Spanish words. Put a hyphen between the words state
I am going to stop here and let someone else pick up on other grammar points. It is a beautiful story. With a little bit of polishing, it will be a great application essay.