Here' the full prompt : Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
It's an early draft. So any criticism is invited and actually wanted! :)
In 2010, China Light & Power Ltd. organized the Young Power Program, encouraging Secondary Students to develop creative project proposals to engage the public into adopting a low-carbon lifestyle. Desiring to improve the India's environmental situation, I teamed up with four other like-minded sophomores to participate in the Young Power Program. Together we developed a presentation showcasing genuine ideas to reduce the community's carbon footprint.
Our innovative work won critical acclaim from the company, and we were declared winners of the competition. More than 32 teams participated in this contest. As a reward for our concentrated efforts, we were invited to a four-week thematic learning program which included an array of activities such as workshops, visitations and job shadowing at CLP, India.
During those four weeks, we had the rare opportunity to work with the CLP site engineers, who introduced us to the company's machinery; a perfect hybrid of clean energy and superior technology. We were introduced to numerous instruments that were unknown to us but held great importance in the company's everyday work. The program took us through the entire process of power production, right from the raw material acquisition to the final step when the power produced is sold to the Electric Board.
Towards the end of the end of the thematic program, we were greeted by a surprise from CLP's repair station. Their Manager had decided to involve us in one of their monthly machinery check-up exercise. At the station, he led us through a hands-on session where we aided the engineers in the repair work of a small turbine from their power-producing units.
The entire experience provided a definitive direction to my college aspirations. I discovered what I really wanted to pursue as a career; that I enjoyed working with machines and the laws of physics; that my true interest was in Mechanical Engineering. Overall, the workshop greatly supplemented my understanding of mechanical devices and exposed my intellect to real-life problem solving.
I would recommend a different approach.
You just talk about the things you saw on this workshop, or better said you just list them.
You don't describe how they influenced you, why these things instilled a passion in you,
at the end you just talk about your career, which is not exactly what Stanford considers
intellectual development.
To be direct, you should revise your essay.
Can you have a look at my essay, too?
During those four weeks, we had the rare opportunity to work with the CLP site engineers, who introduced us to the company's machinery; a perfect hybrid of clean energy and superior technology.
I think you should swap out that semicolon because there is not an independent clause on both sides
Towards the end of the end of the thematic program
I think it is a little redundan to say the end of the end
The essay overall is great because Stanford likes to see tht its students are involved in these sort of programs but i worry that it might be wasting space because they might have seen it in the other parts of your application. Other than that the only thing is that you should spend a little more time on the experience's impact.
I am working on stanford's application too can you help? So far I have done the other two essays
I agree with Walden. Did you list this program under your activities list? If yes, I suggest choose another topic. It might be more exciting for the person to read about an intellectual topic you encountered not otherwise listed. This was the advice given to me. But a nice essay though.
Thank you people. I will be working on expanding what I learned from the experience and will cut down on the description of the workshop. :)
I will try to help with a few things:
Your first paragraph only contains two sentences, add one or two more to make it look better. (consider your word limit, if any)
You have an excellent topic, and amazing achievements- use these to your advantage. Be sure that you explain briefly that you have a plan for life, and how college will get you there. Nice job!
Hey Jennider, Thank You so very much! You have been a great help and I will surely include all of your suggestions :))
There is some advice on grammar.
By the time we had finished assembling the turbine, I had decided to pursue Mechanical Engineering as a career.
→By the time we finished assembling the turbine, I had decided to pursue Mechanical Engineering as a career.
The real-life implications of the laws of physics and the knowledge that I had gathered over the years slowly became evident to me.
→The real-life implications of the laws of physics and the knowledge that I had gathered over the years were slowly becoming evident to me.
I think the progressive tense here is more proper and can show the "implications becoming evident" vividly.
The entire experience provided a definitive direction to my college aspirations. The workshop greatly improved my understanding of mechanical devices and exposed my intellect to real-life problem solving.
The two sentences can be linked with a conjunctive otherwise it seems a little abrupt.
Anyway, your topic is really fascinating and the essay can totally show your extreme interest in mechanical engineering. :)
Hey Peipei, Thank You so very much! You have been a great help :))
