How has your world shaped you?
I wrote this pretty quickly. As with my other essay, PLEASE BE HARSH. You hate me. You hate my essay. Now take it apart. :)
The fives years of my high school career were spent in an enriched program called 'Mini School' at XXXX Secondary. My time there has taught be valuable life skills such as leadership, goal setting and multitasking. Receiving my education in a learning environment where I was constantly being challenged allowed me to develop into a person with big dreams and high standards.
The Mini School is a program that consists of one hundred and fifty pupils from grades eight through twelve. Each year, thirty students are selected from over three hundred applicants in the XXXX School District. During classes, our curriculum is a fortified version in that we are encouraged to participate in discussions that delve deeper into the subject. As an enthusiastic contributor to the heated debates, I have been able to formulate my personal opinions on my lessons as opposed to simply committing them to memory. Aside from working with advanced material, our many overnight trips also demand that I work efficiently to keep up with the fast paced flow of information.
Part of the enrichment material of The Mini comes from our many overnight trips. Each year, students attend functions such as Mini Orientation, XXXX Ski-trip, XXXX Marine Station and XXXX Shakespeare Festival, just to name a few. During these trips, the students are always placed in groups of mixed grades to that we could develop a sense of community as well as hone our leadership skills. On the education based trips such as XXXX Marine Station and The XXXX Shakespeare Festival, I've had the chance to experience the lesson in a hands-on manner that no classroom would be able to provide. Parts of - and sometimes the entirety - these Mini trips are actually organized by the students. The roles start small, but by the time pupils reach grade twelve, they have hefty responsibilities.
My high school education, however, did not come solely from this program; it also came from my peers. I realized soon after entering that class that I was amongst the crème de la crème of XXXX(city) adolescents. Everyone was intelligent, curious and talented. My classmates and I not only studied together, we also learned from one another. Each moment of everyday, we challenged, encouraged and pushed each other to be better than we were yesterday.
In the competitive atmosphere of the Mini School, I learned to set goals and work efficiently to achieve them. Because of these skills, I was able to maintain a high GPA while finishing my Piano Performer's Diploma (ARCT), running my own art studio, gaining more than three hundred hours of work and volunteer experience at American Eagle Outfitters, XXXX Church and XXXX Animal Shelter respectively and singing in various choirs. One of the ensembles I am in - XXXX Honour Youth Choir - will be singing at the Olympics and Paralympics of 2010.
Over the past five years, the Mini School has provided me with a place to study and grow, in more ways than one. While the curriculum demanded that I manage my time and work hard, the student body also challenged me to step up and take initiative. The pressure of being surrounded by greatness has lead me to strive for greatness in my own future.
I like this essay. It has a nice flow from beginning to end.
A few things:
Try not to use the word big. (Big dreams, high standards in first paragraph. Ambitious, maybe?)
Overnight trips was used a little too much to my liking. Switch it around.
As for your GPA, I think it would be better to give them a solid number. 'High GPA' means different things to different people. Your transcript will reflect it, but it's nice to emphasize it in your essay.
Hmm..."The fives years of my high school career...?"
"During classes, our curriculum is a fortified version" - fortified version of what?
"Parts, and sometimes the entirety, of these Mini trips are actually organized by the students."
"I realized soon after entering that class that I was amongst the crème de la crème" - OH GOD PLEASE DO NOT THAT PHRASE. Just say "top" or something. It just makes that sentence sound cliched.
"Each moment of everyday" - It should be every day. Everyday means commonplace. Every day means every. single. day.
"...gaining more than three hundred hours of work and volunteer experience at American Eagle Outfitters, XXXX Church and XXXX Animal Shelter respectively and singing in various choirs" - Sounds like you're listing your accomplishments here in a resume-like manner. Avoid this. This is why you have a resume. You can just cut the sentence off after "three hundred hours of work and volunteer experience".
Your conclusion is good. Better than your intro, in fact. I advise that you stick your conclusion where your intro is, because it flows better and gives a much better "hook" into it than where it is placed currently, where it just ends suddenly.
Also, about the title. I didn't know what the hell a zeigeist was (which, by the way, is spelled zeitgeist). In fact, I thought it was a ghost (confused it with poltergeist). I'm sure you could find more simple words that get the point across just as well.
