IELTS: Advantages and Disadvantages of Student Gap Year - teenagers dillema

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decided to do this.

work, travel and the choice of education

As a teenager one must have a clear understanding of one's career goal. One might ask, "What is the right age to decide this"? Well, the best time is the time after passing your high school and before deciding on what stream to choose in university. Although a lot of kids decide their path by getting influenced by their older siblings, a few countries believes that the best way to decide is by gaining your own experience by picking up some job or by travelling. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this approach.

Firstly, a workplace teaches you how to take responsibilities and complete your task with utmost commitment. Later in life when a student will pick up a subject in the university, he will try to complete it with persistence. Secondly, they will also be able to save some money to finance their university fees. We have also observed that most of the high school kids behave with immaturity and irresponsibility. This may be due to their dependence on their parents for all their daily chores. This is the reason why they need to travel for a while and live on their own. When they will have to manage their day-to-day activities on their own in a foreign land, they will learn to be more self-reliant and decisive. Therefore, in is very important to encourage them to work or travel.

Although income will help them in some ways, but what job will a high school qualified get in the market? Not better than a waiter in a restaurant or a security guard. A constant source of income, even if it is a low, brings with it a reluctance to stop it. The person will start losing focus and will not even try to return to his studies. At the same time when we look at the burgeoning cost of education in most of the countries, it will be criminal to burden parents, already grappling to fulfil the daily needs, with additional cost of travel. So, it is better that a student completes his university studies as soon as possible and get a better job with a better qualification.

After looking at both the sides of the grass, I think that work and travel does give perspective to your choice of education. But, at the same time one also need to take into account the financial situation of one's family to decide over that.

Therefore, in is very ... => it ( right? were you in hungry? but no problem)
you have a good outline, i think
but i still don't understand what does '' the grass'' mean in this sentence: After looking at both the sides of the grass, I think... ?

i know that you use it to refer to the discussion but it's quite unsuitable

Sunil, you have to practice timed writing of these essays. There is absolutely no way you can write over 400 words for a Task 2 essay. That is impossible, You are only supposed to write 25 lines of text, the equivalent of 250 words for this test. A little more than that maxes out at 300. 275 being the ideal essay word length. All of these word safeguards are in place to give you a chance to improve upon the essay content within the allotted time. You over wrote in this essay.

You also failed to use an academic tone / formal presentation for this essay. You are not allowed to use a casual writing tone as you did here when addressing the Task 2 prompts. You are being scored on your ability to use academic English, not casual conversation English. So terms such as "reason why" should only be "reason". You must also use the proper descriptive adverb when using terms such as "very important". Either use a descriptive adverb or remove the adverb.

Your prompt paraphrase is incorrect. You are offering an opinion in the paraphrase which is not allowed. The proper paraphrase for this essay, using an academic tone is:

There is a global growth in high school graduates who are enticed to seek a year of employment or travel prior to entering college. While there is an advantage to these practices, there are also disadvantages to this trend. Students have to decide which of the two options is right for them.

After properly introducing the discussion topic and instructions in your own words, you can then proceed with the formal discussion within the next 2 reasoning paragraphs. You may use up to 3 paragraphs for the reasoning aspect. Do not place questions within your essay discussion because that alters the task response and could to a prompt deviation on your part. In this essay, you did exactly that and that changed the discussion focus for that paragraph. It was no longer aligned with the discussion topic provided.

Familiarize yourself with American idioms before you use it. You are confusing the reader. The correct reference is " After looking at both sides of the story". By the way, you can't use a personal opinion to close the essay. You can only present a concluding summary that reiterates the topic, the discussion points you presented, and a final statement on the matter. Your essay has a hanging conclusion because it does not have a real concluding statement at the end of it.