I agree that people with hard work attitude are more important than ones with natural ability. Toefl

Help me now. I really need feedback to improve the writing skill

I spent almost an hour to write it, which is not good. I think this essay is not logically written. but i certainly want some tips necessary when writing this kind of questions.

Thank you.

The question is that

Which is more important for success; the natural ability you are born with or hard work? Explain your opinion, using specific reasons and examples

I agree that people with hard work is more important than ones with natural ability. Working hard teaches them about patience towards problems regarding education, business and family. By working hard, people are able to get ahead in their life as do ones with natural ability.

Despite the fact that hard-working student spend more time studying for an exam than ones with natural ability, they can be successful in the exam. To illustrate, my brother who are now a solider in the army spend one year studying to pass the exam. However, his friend took one month to do it. Moreover, my brother told me patience is a very important factor that brings you to success. It can be obtained by working hard.

Also, hard-working businesspersons are able to establish a large company. Many Chinese people around the world are rich because they work hard. In Thailand, they migrated to Thailand after world war2 with a mat and pillow. They spend most of their life opening many kinds of business such as coffee, rice and fish. Today, most of them are among the affluent class in Thailand.

Finally, if becoming head of a family, father and mother can exert potentials to earn money for a living. Although serving as a dishwasher, they can get a high salary to pay for their kids. For example, my aunt who graduated from an elementary high school has three sons. She has to do everything ranging from gardening, housework and other chores. She spends most of the day doing them and come back home in the evening to buy food for her daughter.

That people who are born with natural ability is not a standard indicate your life achievement. It depends on the purpose for which you are working for to get a career, become self-employed and have a baby.

To illustrate, my brother who are now a solider in the army spend one year studying to pass the exam.

I think using "For example" is OK

my brother is a solider who spends one year studying the exam?
solider,of course, in the army

some sentence use past temse;however some not@@

Are there any problems with the difficult essay?

I really want to know about them.

Thank you

I agree with the notion that willingness to engage in hard work is more important than natural ability. Working hard teaches people about...

Despite the fact that hard-working students spend more time studying (...), they can be equally successful in the exam. To illustrate, my brother, who is now a solider in the army, spent one year studying to pass the exam.

Moreover, my brother told me patience is ... ---Now you should write:
My brother's friend has the ability to pass the test, and he also has patience; his friend might have only the ability to pass, but not the ability to be patient.

Also, hard-working businesspersons are able to establish a large company. ...

It depends on the purpose for which you are working for to get a career, (...), raise a child,or complete any other of life's challenges.

Thank you for your feedback.

I feel more educated about how to effectively write an essay.