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GRE prompt ( argument ): Sufficient evidences for a small scale business loan ?

Jun 3, 2016   #1
Question : The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable."

PROMPT : Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

CAN ANY ONE CRITIC ON MY ESSAY ( GRE argument prompt )
Kindly consider how the essay follows the prompt's requirements:-

The developers in the city tries to declare the people in Monroe is very popular in jazz music and so, the a allotment for a loan for a jazz music club development is genuine. However, the evidences and the situations explained by the group do not suffice the profitability from the music club to repay the loan.

First of all the development group putting forward the numbers of people attended the city's last year summer jazz festival. It is true that a large population attended the festival but that could be population came from outside the city. Since it was a summer program and many people came for summer vacation to this city for being a comparatively cooler place. So, if the profitability is based on these biased numbers of the attendees of this festival, the jazz music club cannot expect that much numbers of jazz music fans , since a indigenous music club mostly cater a local population. Hence the group of developers could go into a financial crisis from the lack of fans, and hence the loan could become unbearable to them eventually.

Having supposing the population of the city are a great fan of jazz music, the developers cannot pretend their affordability to pay the sum of money the jazz music club planning for the fee. It is true, the developers putting forward an nationwide study of the spending capacity of the jazz fans. But since it is a nationwide study, it could be possible that , the population of the Monroe city may be below the national average spending capacity. If that is the case , even in the midst of the a jazz music fans, this jazz music club sometimes ( possibly ) a luxury music club could deprived of a sufficient members to produce( make) a profit. Here also the group of developers can go astray in repaying the loan from the music club's profit.

After all the implication in the group of developers, that the profit generated by the jazz music club is sufficient to re pay the loan granted to them is no way a sufficient (plausible ) one based ( basing ) on their given evidences.

lylreaganmac 4 / 8 4  
Jun 3, 2016   #2
... the jazz music club cannot expect that much numbersmanyof jazz music fans, since an indigenous music club mostly caters to a local population.

Hence the group of developers (...), and hence the loan could (...)
(using hence twice is redundant)

... the developers cannot pretend fake their affordability to pay the sum of money the jazz music club planninged for the fee.
(Try having supposed or just having or just supposing)

Other than those three, your writing seems to fit the prompt and is written with correct grammar. I would watch your punctuation because some of the commas are in the wrong place and you also have unnecessary spaces. Overall, nice job and good luck!

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