CAMBRIDGE IELTS 9 TASK 1 / page 53: THE TOTAL NUMBER OF MINUTES OF TELEPHONE CALLS IN UK

Hi guys, i am gonna take ielts exam and now practicing myself for writing. The only problem is that i dont have anyone can correct my essays for me. So i find this forum really helpful and now, i have just done my first essay here. Please help me out and figure mistakes as many as possible. The more mistakes, the more i will appreciate. I like to learn from mistakes. Thank you very much. So here we go, my writing on Task 1 in Ielts Writing Test with enclosed picture.

Information regarding how many minutes of telephone calls people spent in the UK, splitted into 3 classifications, from 1995 to 2000 is revealed in the graph. In general, the total number of minutes of national and international line and the total number of minutes of using mobiles increased over the peoriod, whereas the total number of minutes of local line fluctuated.

As can be seen, there was a gradual rise in regard to the number of minutes of national and international line from about 38 billions to over 60 billions during the period from 1995 to 2002. Regarding mobiles, the total number of minutes grew dramatically from the lowest point of apporximatey 3 billions in 1995 to around 45 billions in 2002.

By contrast, the figure for local line fluctuated throughtout the period of 1995-2002. It accounted for over 70 billions in 1995, then rose considerably between 1995 and 1998, then reached a peak of 90 billions in 1999. Subsequenty, it experienced a sighnificant fall in a periof of 3 years, turning back the beginning point of over 70 billioms by 2002. However, it still conserved the hightest number most of the time.

Word count: around 200

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Hi Yamtrang,
let me help you to make an introduction,

Information regarding how many minutes of telephone calls people spent in the UK... .
(You need to paraphrase the question, do not use same words with the question)
... mobiles increased over the pe oriod(spelling) , whereas the total ...

The bar graph gives information about how long people use telephone calls (in minutes) which is divided into three categories over a five-years period in the UK. Overall, the number of minutes in national and international calls and mobiles calls increased significantly while local line had fluctuated trends.

Hopefully it helps. Keep Writing.

Hi Yamtrang.
Welcome to Essay Forum.
Enjoy your process this medium. Fortunately, you will improve your writing here if you wanna review thoughts of others.
Let me help you to finalize yours.

spent in the UK, AND splitted into 3 classifications, from 1995 to 2000, AN 8-year period is revealed.
In general, OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT CITIZENS OF THE UK HAD TENDED TO MAKE CALL IN LOCAL SCALE. IN ANY CASE, the total number of minutes (...) increased over the period PERIOD, whereas WHILE the total number ...

You are supposed to keep mind that each sentence should consists of more than 2 sentences. I hope you do not commit like that.

Based on my look closely at your body paragraph, you forgot an essential element when you describe the bar chart. There were comparisons amongst figures. It has to be attended in this writing on condition that you wanna reach the score more than 5. On the other side, as often as you review your writing, you will diminish your errors. I have found some words misspelling. Please, pay attention to my notes.

I strongly believe you will master this section if you wanna practice again and again
keep spirit
GOOD LUCK.
:D

Hi Faridadwi, thank you very much for you correction.
However, i am confused at some points you suggested like:

1. you said that i should paraphrase with the question and i have tried to paraphrase "divided into 3 categories" to " splitted into 3 classifications " and you striked it and use the same words comparing to the question???

By the way, i agree with you using "how long people use telephone calls " would be better :d

2. Overall, the number of minutes in national and international calls and mobiles calls increased significantly while local line had fluctuated trends. --> it should be rewrite the second subject to the number minutes in local line that had fluctuated, not just local line, right ?

thanks <3