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"My cousin is really an emotional person" - A descriptive paragraph


vafa 3 / 15  
Apr 2, 2011   #1
It is clear from ust looking at my cousin's room that she is really an emotional person.When you enter the room a set of musical chimes makes a melody.To the right of the door is her bed with a window beside it and its lace curtain with some blue ribbons on it,is hung infront of the window.Her room's walls are colored light blue.On the night table next to her bed is a lamp that she turns it on when she wants to read some books specially some poems at night.To the left of the door that her closet is located with lots of cute dolls.On the other side of her room there is a bookcase that is full of story books and poems.On the wall are two pictures one of them is a girl who is standing beside a sea and is watching moon-light and the other one is some writings that she herself wrote them.So it is easy to say that my cousin is an emotional person.

mabcoll 1 / 2  
Apr 2, 2011   #2
I like it a lot, and especially like the repetition of "my cousin is an emotional person" on the first and last sentence, however I think you could improve on describing what effect things in her room have and how they make it obvious that she is an emotional person.
butterbescotch 6 / 42  
Apr 3, 2011   #3
some blue ribbons on it,is hung infront of the window some blue ribbons, hanging in front of the windows.

Her room's walls are colored light blue. The walls are colored light blue. I think there is no need to use the pronoun "Her" since we all know we are in her room.

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I agree with mabel. The description is good however there are no distinct feature for us to conclude that she is an emotional person. Maybe throw some damp tissues, romantic movies or etc.

KIU!
Rechy 11 / 74  
Apr 3, 2011   #4
This is good, but you need to concentrate on what makes her emotional apart from that of her room.
OP vafa 3 / 15  
Apr 3, 2011   #5
Thank you mable.you encourage me a lot.I will try to write better than this.sorry can I ask your educational level if it is possible because I THINK I will need your help.I look forward to hearing from you soon :)
OP vafa 3 / 15  
Apr 3, 2011   #7
Hi, I need some help to choose a topic to write about it because i really want to be an active member.I look forward to hearing from you soon.
butterbescotch 6 / 42  
Apr 3, 2011   #8
Topic for a paragraph? Well it might be easy if you choose not an abstract one. You could say that your cousin is a computer geek, bookworm or movie fanatic. It is much easier to describe but it works.
OP vafa 3 / 15  
Apr 4, 2011   #9
thanks but I don't mean for this paragragh. I MEAN a topic not tittle.a topic to write about and start a new essay.
butterbescotch 6 / 42  
Apr 4, 2011   #10
Google, Writing Prompts. Do you write essay frequently? Can you be my writing buddy?
OP vafa 3 / 15  
Apr 4, 2011   #11
Hi,Rebenrio do you want me to be your writing buddy?If yes, why not.it will be an honor to me.CAN I ask a little about yourself.believe in me I don't know you are male or female.please don't think that I am a stupid one.I AM 20.how old are you?where are you com from?I myself come from Iran.what about your educational level?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,539 129  
Apr 4, 2011   #12
Yeah, the great quality here is an enthralling theme. At the outset, you cause the reader to say, "Oh, I wonder what is in the room that shows her emotional nature?"

That makes it powerful writing.

However, at the end or near the end you should actually give a sentence to explain why the color blue, the poetry, the chimes... why do they indicate strong emotion? Explain that, and the essay will be perfect.
butterbescotch 6 / 42  
Apr 5, 2011   #13
@Vafa

I am male, 17 year old and came from Philippines. I am first year college. I got interested in English for the past few months but I would not say I am really good at it. So are we good then? Mail me at butterbescotch@gmail.com


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