Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 3


'dominance of one sex over another on different faculties' Cambridge Task



Anuar KZ 2 / 4  
Nov 11, 2011   #1
It is a well known fact there is a dominance of one sex over another on different faculties.
Should universities accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject? How it can influence the progress in study? Would it be more a benefit or a hindrance? All these questions will be discussed in the following essay.

On the one hand, nowadays there is a great variety of subjects to study, and thus, students have a chance to make their choice out of a big amount of available professions. Subjects are divided into humanitarian and technical ones. For this reason, the majority of female students choose humanitarian disciplines, whereas male students choose technical ones. But there are some exceptions when women and men choose different disciplines. But everything depends on student's skills for his chosen future profession. So this is the reason why it is impossible to accept equal numbers of different genders students. It seems to be difficult to imagine women working with gadgets like computer chips, dangerous chemical substances, engineer drawings and et cetera.

On the other hand, the question under discussion whether universities should accept equal number of boys and girls in every subject is still a disputable one. Undoubtedly, one of the advantages of these criteria is that the principle of justice and gender equality will be kept. Moreover, it will be more exciting for the youth to study and enjoy their time together. What is more, males can help females understand technical subjects, and vice versa girls help with humanitarian ones. Additionally, there will be a friendly team spirit and a nice supporting atmosphere between peers.

In conclusion, I think it is not a good idea to accept equal numbers of students because they will be more attracted by each other than by studies. Young people should be free to make their own choice and first of all try to find the proper profession for them to get a success in future career beneficial for their country and well-being.

Written by me, with teacher's corrections.

dumdeedumdeedoo 4 / 9  
Nov 15, 2011   #2
It is a well known fact there is a dominance of one sex over another on different faculties. grammatically correct, but sounds kind of awkward

Should universities accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject? How it can influence the progress in study? Would it be more a benefit or a hindrance? All these questions will be discussed in the following essay.This seems to be a somewhat obvious/5th grade-y transition.

On the one hand, nowadays there is a great variety of subjects to study, and thus, students have the chance to choose from alarge amount of available professions. Subjects are divided into humanitarian and technical ones. These two sentences make it seem like the divide itself is responsible for the female preference for the humanitarian disciplines. For this reason, the majority of female students choose humanitarian disciplines, whereas male students choose technical ones. But there are some exceptions when women and men choose different disciplines however everything depends on student's skills for his or her chosen future profession. So this is the reason why it is impossible to accept equal numbers of different genders students. <- I don't really understand your reasoning here. Clarify or change this It seems to be difficult to imagine women working with gadgets like computer chips, dangerous chemical substances, engineer drawings and et cetera. You come off a tad sexist here, try toning it down

On the other hand, the question under discussion whether universities should accept equal number of boys and girls in every subject is still a disputable one. Undoubtedly, one of the advantages of these criteria is that the principle of justice and gender equality will be kept. Moreover, it will be more exciting for the youth to study and enjoy their time together how does gender equality make things more fun? . What is more, males can help females understand technical subjects, and vice versa girls help with humanitarian ones. Additionally, there will be a friendly team spirit and a nice supporting atmosphere between peers how would that be lacking without gender equality? .

In conclusion <- that sounds really obvious, try something more subtle , I think it is not a good idea to accept equal numbers of male and female students because they will be more attracted by each other than by studies huh? . Young people should be free to make their own choice and first of all try to find the proper profession for them to attaina success in future careers beneficial to their country and well-being.

It's hard to grade you on content because you didn't post up the prompt, but one thing I have to say it that you come off kind of sexist. Instead just saying "guys are better at technical stuff" perhaps delve into why there are more males in technical fields (perhaps societal expectations? wink wink nudge nudge)

Additionally your essay is very rigidly structured, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but here it's really obvious and makes you sound kind of childish.

Another thing, try substantiating your final argument a little better, here it seems you just kind of talk about the issue a little bit, and then take a stance, without much evidence backing what you're saying.

Hope this helps! Good luck!
OP Anuar KZ 2 / 4  
Nov 19, 2011   #3
Thanks for your corrections=)


Home / Writing Feedback / 'dominance of one sex over another on different faculties' Cambridge Task
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳