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too much fat, salt and sugar; Weight of people is increasing, health decreasing

Gangster777 2 / 1  
Oct 21, 2012   #1
Please check my essay and give Band for IELTS writing part 2

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are deceasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures should be taken to solve them?

Today the problem of overweight is very real largely in many countries. Every year a lot of people die from heart disease and diabetes.
In my opinion, one of the reasons this is fast foods or pre-prepared meals. These foods often contain too much fat, salt and sugar. Fast foods are cheap to buy and very easy to prepare. Student and other young people usually eat these meals. In my view teachers should give information about health hazard of these products. For example my cousin has not drunk soft drinks till hus teacher told him about their damage to our health.

The twenty first century is the period of new technologies. These help us in our job, study, life and now we are less active than before we were. There are many internet shops where we can order everything from home.

The third reason of declining health is that children spend much time on playing video games, watching television however fifteen years before we usually played football, basketball and spent much time in outside. There are many exercises classes have to be for children active life in school.

Other problem which has big influence to our health is genetically modified organism(GMO). There a lot of products in which growing were use GMO. Government should control the composition GMO in products. For instance in some Europe countries producing, importing goods with GMO are illegal.

In conclusion, if we want to be healthy, we have to eat nutritious food, take diet, do every day exercise and do not allow children to spend much time playing video games.
w_even 6 / 14 1  
Oct 23, 2012   #2
You need to improve your grammar in general and your vocabulary also needs to be broadened.
I can see see that you have structured your essay into introduction,body and conclusion. that is a good sign but your introduction paragraph is a bit short. please extend it further.

I would suggest you to find essays written by other people on the same topic and do a comparison. This way you will be in a better position to identify your weaknesses.
April April 13 / 148 22  
Oct 24, 2012   #3
Hi Gangster777
You have pretty good ideas for the body paragraphs. However, the problem is that your essay doesn't follow the structure of an IELTS essay.

In the IELTS writing task 2:
- For the intro, you should write a motivator; then paraphrase the topic; and state what you're going to do in the essay, for example: "This essay will discuss major causes of this trend and put forward some solutions to alleviate the problem".

- As for the body, you could organize it in two ways (this is for this kind of problem-solutions essay only):
+ First option:
Body para 1: Cause no.1, cause no.2,....
Body para 2: Solution no.1, solution no.2,...
+ Second option:
Body para 1: Cause no.1, Solution no.1
Body para 2: Cause no.2, solution no.2
Here's the difference between the two options: For option 1, the solutions can be anything you think of and can be written in any order that you think is suitable, whereas if you choose the 2nd option, solution no.1 must be for cause no.1 only, for example: cause 1: too much fast food consumed => solution 1: close all fast food chains (this is just an example). You can choose whatever option that suits your ideas best.- In the conclusion, paraphrase the topic and summarise your ideas.

That is just a suggestion for this kind of essay. You should google some other tips for the ielts writing and read some samples.

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