Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 3


IELTS: Government should contol Violent Movies and TV programs?



xyx0905 16 / 49  
Mar 14, 2012   #1
There is more and more violence in movies and on TV, therefore it is necessary for the government to control the amount of it to decrease the violent crimes in the society. Do you agree of disagree?

With the development of multimedia entertainment in recent decades, there has been a growing tendency that assaultive behaviours are constantly presented in the films and TV series. Therefore, most people start to believe that the relevant authorities should administer its rise. Actually, this is correct in many real life situations. 50

Admittedly, violent TV programs bring some benefits to the society. Firstly, it could entertain the individuals who have had an eventful day at workplace. This is because a series of the aggressive TV episodes are exciting and stimulating which would be beneficial for the daily commuters to refresh their mind and release the work-related stress. Secondly, due to the popularity of action movies, every year a huge amount of tax paid from the film producers would become one of significant contributions to government's tax revenue. Under this circumstance, the money could be used to aid other citizens in the community who need an urgent support. 105

However, disseminating the massive unrestricted violent contents on the screen pose a number of negative influences. For the younger generation, it would destruct their mental developments. Unlike the adults, minors are often curious and keen to imitate the violent behaviours which have been sighted from TV programs, possibly because they are mentally immature and incapable of distinguishing the right and wrong. For adults who lack of self-control abilities, an excessive broadcast of the violent action-movies could act as their references to engage with potential criminal activities. The reason for this is that they are able to acquire the essential skills and experience for committing crimes. 105

In conclusion, even though frantic movies or TV programs have some advantages, it is convincing that providing the action movies to the public without restrictions would cause the mental illness of young children and substantial potential convictions. 37 / 297

N.B.: I am a English grammar disable. This could confine my final band score in the exam. Thank you everyone who could help me to tackle my grammar problems.

ajit88rai 22 / 186  
Mar 18, 2012   #2
Very good essay buddy. Indeed it is almost error-free. except 2nd paragraph-1st line "UNEVENTFUL DAY". inaph
- You can also elaborate one more paragraph in this.
- In your introductory paragraph, you haven't written any theme sentence stating your opinion. You really need that .
- Moreover, in the second paragraph, you should be elaborating on your argument. You are telling advantages of violent movies while you are stating in intro that it needs to be controlled. So just write 2nd and 3rd paragraph elaborating how badly these violent movies can affect the society.

- in the fourth para, u can write the advantages but also state that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
-5th para should have the conclusion.

Good luck.
OP xyx0905 16 / 49  
Apr 11, 2012   #3
Thank you for your message.

"Actually, this is correct in many real life situation. " this is my opinion, it means I agree with the question's statement. Is that not enough?

Yes, I need develop my ideas little further. But if I do, my words will go beyond 300, in the real exam, to be honest, it's not a wise way to write a essay more than 300 words, the more you write, the more mistakes you may make to lose mark. If I can express my ideas clearly, and with at least 1 sentence to support my ideas, I can control my words between 270-295 of my all my writings. This is because I think if I write 300 words + but I have more mistakes than the one only have about 270-295 words, then it's not worth to do. Some mistakes will make your essay no sense to the examiner or even misleading he or she. In that case, your mark will deducted with no doubts. I read some model answers from Cambridge IELTS 5-8, there are only very small amount of those model answers which over 320 words.

Cheers


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: Government should contol Violent Movies and TV programs?
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳