GRE issue; Over the past year, our late-night news... Memorandum from business manager of TV station

Hi,
I would like a feedback regarding my essay; grammar-wise, vocab use, context addressed, and analytical writing. Score estimates are also very welcome :)

Question

The following is a memorandum from the business manager of a television station.

"Over the past year, our late-night news program has devoted increased time to national news and less time to weather and local news. During this period, most of the complaints received from viewers were concerned with our station's coverage of weather and local news. In addition, local businesses that used to advertise during our late-night news program have cancelled their advertising contracts with us. Therefore, in order to attract more viewers to our news programs and to avoid losing any further advertising revenues, we should expand our coverage of weather and local news on all our news programs."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

Response

The argument above explains the desicion from the business manager to restore the time allocated to weather and local news. However the arguments used to support the decision are dubious and specious at best.

It is stated in the memorandum that most complaints recieved during the past year are concerned about the coverage of weather and local news. However it is not stated what specific complaints are sent. The information is important to avoid jumping into wrong conclusions. If the viewers complain about the decrease of time allocated for weather and local news then the business manager's decision is justified. But consider the viewers complain about the lack of quality in weather and local news program, then the decision made should be about improving the program quality rather than restoring program time.

Another point stated is that local businesses that used to advertise during late-night news program are canceling contracts. It is unclear why do the business retract their contracts. They may cancel advertising contracts because weather and local news generate more publicity and revenue for them compared to national news. On the other hand, the contracts cancelled may be caused by the businesses decision to hold their money due to internal crisis. If internal crisis is the cause, reallocating time for weather and local news will not have a positive effect on advertising revenues. Thus the business manager should probe into the reasons why local businesses cancel the contracts before announcing the decision.

The memorandum also assumes that by restoring time for weather and local news, more viewers will be attracted. This is a baseless assumption, as no data is provided. A credible survey for viewers is needed to verify the assumption. Consider the data collected throughout the survey concludes majority of viewers are interested in watching the television station if weather and local news are restored to former time levels, then the business manager's decision is acceptable. However if the survey concludes that there are other programs that can attract more viewers such as sports and movies, then another strategy needs to be implemented.

As stated above, stronger evidence is needed to support the business manager's claim. Thus the decision made by the business manager needs to be reevaluated because the arguments offered as support are not strong enough.

For essays with such specific review demands, you may opt to use our paid private review service. Scoring services are not part of the free services provided. The email for inquiries about the private services can be found in our homepage. For now, only the free review services will be applied to your essay. Thanks.

Reminder: Students are not allowed to score essays. Student scoring = Suspension !

Rather than saying, "The argument above", give a proper summary of the previous discussion. This will help illustrate your analysis points from the start of the essay and throughout the discussion paragraphs. This will add to the knowledge of the reader whom, you should assume, has not read the prompt provisions for the writing of this response analysis.

Always remember that when writing a formal essay, the connecting words "and, but, and because" are never used to start sentences. These are used only to connect 2 connected ideas within one sentences or to justify the reason for a given thought in the sentence. As word connectors, these can never used to anchor a sentence starting point.

Some of your sentences lack clarity such as :
It is unclear why do the business retract their contracts.
The word "do" is unnecessary in this case because it is a verb used in the present singular. You are already talking of a previous action in this case.

The essay is clear in terms of discussion points. It properly assessed the given memorandum and provided a clear series of considerations that need to be validated before the letter can be given any credence.

@Holt
Thank you very much for your feedback, much appreciated. I'll keep trying to improve my essay within your guidance.