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IELTS task 2: kindly check my introductory paragraph (hook, etc)


eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 14, 2014   #1
To begin writing essay (IELTS), students are asked to start with a good introductory paragraph. However, this paragraph sometimes causes some students the most trouble.

To solve this, Dumi (EF moderator) suggests students to follow this structure:
INTRODUCTION- hook+ background of your topic + State your opinion/ position

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For students who have the most trouble of writing a good introduction, we're all in the same boat.
Here, I write an introductory paragraph (IELTS). The aim is to have some advice and meaningful feedback, whether I have already aligned with the structure above or not.

Question:
Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?

Answer (Introduction):
As the saying says, "Mens sana in corpore sano", I agree with this saying that people with a great mind would have a healthy body. Therefore, some people focus on training their brain, while some people prefer getting involved in sports to maintain their healthy life. This is why school aims to teach their schoolchildren sports, but not as the competitive ones defined in terms of both team and individual. In my personal view, I agree that competitive sports would not give any merits for students' academic performance, but I believe that school is mindful of its responsibility to train students in a direct competition with each other for examination, bearing comparison with the best of competitive sports.

Thanks :)

MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Feb 15, 2014   #2
but not as the competitive ones defined in terms of both team and individual.

This part of your sentence is quite confusing. Do you mean that schools are teaching non-competitive sports?

school aims

schools aim

In my personal view, I agree that competitive sports would not give any merits for students' academic performance, but I believe that school is mindful of its responsibility to train students in a direct competition with each other for examination, bearing comparison with the best of competitive sports.

This sentence is too lengthy and your opinion is not quite clear. I think the use of many big words also reduces the clarity of this sentence.
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Feb 15, 2014   #3
Hey that's an excellent introduction. The structure dumi has provided is kind of one fit for all which help you come out with a decent introduction without missing out features that you need to earn marks. Also, when you train yourself in one particular direction (I am talking about the structure) then it helps you save lots of time at the exam as you are already having a plan as to how you should go about. What you've written above is very creative. However, I doubt whether you have time to come up with such creative stuff in an exam scenario :D
niesaysi 16 / 284 83  
Feb 15, 2014   #4
As the saying says, "Mens sana in corpore sano", I agree with this saying that people with a great mind would have a healthy body.

Better present also the English translation of that saying.
Ex. As the saying says, " Mens sana in corpore sano which means...., I agree that people with a great mind would have a healthy body.

Therefore, some people focus on training their brain, while some people prefer getting involved in sports to maintain their healthy life. I omitted it for it is already understood.

schoolchildren sports-- school children

Hope this helps you :)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 15, 2014   #5
As the saying says, "Mens sana in corpore sano", I agree with this saying that people with a great mind would have a healthy body.

Yes, I agree with niesaysi :) If your quote is in any language other than English, then you should give the translation. Otherwise your quote would not have any value or effect :)

You do it with this sentence;

, I agree with this saying that people with a great mind wouldshould have a healthy body.

... however, it is not very clear to the reader that this is the meaning of it :)
Anyway, a good start :)....

The structure dumi has provided is kind of one fit for all which help you come out with a decent introduction without missing out features that you need to earn marks.

Yes, this is what exactly I wish :)

The aim is to have some advice and meaningful feedback, whether I have already aligned with the structure above or not.

It doesn't matter your introduction structure is slightly different from what I have suggested. However, it needs to contain those features :D

This is why school aims to teach their schoolchildren sports, but not as the competitive ones defined in terms of both team and individual

This is not adequately describing the issue. You need to be a little more descriptive because this is the most important part of your introduction.
OP eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 15, 2014   #6
Thank you for all contributors and our moderator for the thoughtful feedback. I get much help for my writing, even though I present the tiny piece of writing. This is why I am proud to be EF members.

MisterWandering, Pahan, Niesaysi and Dumi, very much thank you :)

- eddies


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