Short essay: should media describe crimes - bad consequences may occur

Please help me with my essay! Many thanks! :)

(This is my first try , not sure if I use this website correctly.)

Topic: Today, newspapers and televisions are giving detailed descriptions of crimes. Some people believe such a practice will cause bad consequences and thus media should be restricted. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

news restriction

Nowadays, many news platforms are broadcasting details of criminal incidents; although detailed descriptions can bring more awareness of crimes, I am convinced it should be restricted since it would cause detrimental effects.

Many medias delivered criminal scenes to audiences detailedly to make their news more attractive, people tend to be curious and would want to know it better. Since they pay attention on the news context, they would know what exactly the crimes were. This can make residents realize what kind of criminal might happen around them. As a result, local residents would be aware of similar conditions, and prevent themselves from being harm as the news described. For instance, last year in Taiwan, a secondary school student saved herself from a severe rubbery because she saw an informative news about the same kind of crime. However, I believe other methods can be applied to make citizens be more careful of local crimes, such as educating residents, rather than letting newspapers and televisions to tell the details of those tragics.

While knowing a news in detail can bring up awareness to prevent some crime, several drawbacks cannot be forgotten. From my point of view, detrimental effects are significant if medias can describe any crime without discipline. Violence and other horrible photos on news should be restricted, because it may affect individual's mental health, which, by researches, would be extremely harmful to children. Except for people having fear, some are likely to learn and mimic the crime. Therefore, such context of news should be forbidden by governments, especially to families with children.

In conclusion, for the reasons above, despite it can make people more aware of crime, I believe it may be preferable to restrict that overdetailed news.

@expmphp
Hi there! Welcome to the site. I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us if you have any other questions.

First and foremost, while I think that the first paragraph is alright, you need to work on establishing first that background information before anything else. From the get-go, that first sentence needed to have additional supplementary information fin order to make it more effective. The transition also from your thoughts regarding how detailed broadcasted information are when reporting incidents to the awareness was also quite weak in general. I heavily suggest working on a better introduction as this can definitely drag your essay.

Balancing the conclusion is also a critical part in essays, which I feel like is often forgotten by others. Your conclusion still needs to be sharpened and improved if you truly want to be able to show the readers that you have complete grasp over the subject at hand.

Thank you so much!

Could you please give me an instance for the conclusion?
I feel maybe I should add something like "because people would be effect negatively on mental health "?

Also, I wrote this short sentence because that I have limited time, would that be very inappropriate ? Thank you :)