IELTS. 'the money should be better spent' - Wasteful Space Program - Agree or disagree

Governments spend millions of dollars each year on their space programmes.Most recently, Mars is the focus of scientists' attention.
Some people think this money would be better spent on dealing with problems closer to home. Do you agree or disagree?

Although developing the space programmes indicates that the country which is concerned to space is rich, the government may help people as many as possible if having much money. I agree with the idea that the money should be better spent on dealing with problems closer to home.

Some people argue that the government should use money for welfare. This is because the difference between rich and poor is extending, so it is hard for poor to live in daily life and the power of nation is declining. Administration has the obligation that the difference shrinks and every people can enjoy their life. The United States and the USSR face deficit because of spending money for their space programs too much.

On the other hand, the opponent argue that the government ought to promote developing space programmes. Exploitation is meaningful for people to be rich in the future. In fact, mobile phone is available all over the world because there is satellite in space. Achieving space programmes is helping our daily life. However, the government have to spend money noticing the balance between space programmes and welfare.

In conclusion, I believe it is useful for many people to be spent on dealing with welfare and medical care. Governments should tackle with their space programmes with energy to spare.

(218 words)

Naoki, the essay asked you to agree or disagree with the statement. While you did discuss both sides of the issue in an informed manner, you did not accurately represent your agreement with side that you chose to support. Since an essay normally has 5 paragraphs, the 4th paragraph should have been a defense of the side that you support based upon your personal reasons for choosing this side. That creates a well developed discussion for the essay since all sides are represented in the discussion. Merely saying that you agree with a particular side in the opening statement does not qualify as a complete and valid argument in support of your chosen position.

When you revise this essay, and as you write your future essays, keep in mind that you must properly discuss your personal opinion when it is asked for in the prompt. Don't just say "I agree" and leave it at that. A complete essay provides an informed discussion. This essay, only presents a partial discussion. So there is room for improvement if you decide to revise the essay.

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections for you

... country which is concerned to space is richabout the wider of space, the government maycan help many people as many as possible if they having much money.

... difference between rich and poor is extendingtoo far, so it is hard for poor people to live in daily lifesurvive and the power of nation is declining(You have explain more about this).

... obligation that the difference shrinks and every people can enjoy their life economic of people still can enjoy their life. The United States and the USSR face deficitexperienced decrease because of spending moneyexpenditure for their space programs too much.

In fact, mobile phone all over the worldis availableall over the world is available because ...

... useful for many people to be spent on dealing with ...

I think you can start the first sentence with the main idea.
You should write at least 250 words.
I think better you choose to agree or disagree totally.
For better structure in body paragraph you can firstly paraphrasing the idea, reason, example and brief conclusion.
Too many repetitive words like welfare, spent, maybe it can be changed into new words

Hi Naoki, as I go through your essay, I must say,there is a little bit of issue on clarity in your ideas, what I mean is, when you are writing an argumentative essay, you should not only create or write two sides of the puzzle, you should present which side you favor the most, this is because in the first place, it is an argumentative essay and in the end there should be one side that is more dominant then the other. Don't get me wrong, you did agree on spending the governments money but the clarity of the idea can still be enhanced.