The general picture and percentage about weight of residents who live in Charlestown in 1955 & 2015

IELTS Writing task 1 practice

The charts have provide the general picture and percentage about weight of residents who live in Charlestown in 1955 and 2015.

The percentage of ideal was the most popular weight in 1955.Only those aged 40-49, 50-59 and 60-69 had a few percentage of obesity.There were a shape increasing of overweight and obesity, especially those aged 60-69.

There were a huge percentage of ideal in different age groups in 1955.Those aged 20-29 were the healthiest one.There were only the percentage of underweight, ideal and overweight which were around 30%, 65% and 5% respectively.

There were an increase of obesity among different age groups in 2015.Those aged 60-69 had the most serious obesity problem. The percentage of obesity among 60-69 age was 60%, but the percentage of ideal was around 5%.

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Carol, the information in this chart is incomplete and inaccurate. It does not properly inform the reader, neither does it represent the percentages as marked in the charts. The overall presentation does not qualify itself as a reliable representation or report based upon the given chart information. In the opening summary, a number of important information is not represented. The missing information can be listed as follows:

1. Type of chart presented
2. Measurements used
3. Information represented by the measurements
4. Trending statement
5. Discussion instruction

You will not get a good score in the C&C portion as your paragraph sentences are inconsistent. You need to present at least 3 sentences consistently per paragraph. You vary from 2 -3 and that is unacceptable. It is important to have a uniform presentation that represents the type of analysis that you used to represent the chart information. The comparisons need to be on a year to year basis per paragraph in order for the analytical report to have been presented in an accurate form.

Since this is the first essay that you have posted for Task 1 in this forum, you may wish to look at the other examples here, just to get an idea of how to best represent your succeeding test essays. By the way, please make sure to include the complete prompt requirement the next time you post an essay for review so that I can offer you a more direct and relevant review of your work. What I have given you at this point is just a general review as it applies to the superficial presentation. I have not reviewed the information you presented because you did not include the original prompt and that is normally what I use as the basis for the content review of the essay.

@carol326
According to band descriptor, in term of Task Achievement, to gain 5.0 more you have to depict an overview with information appropriately selected.
In stark contrast in this essay, it lacks in overview.
Also, you did not cover task response to write at least more than 150 words. You should be aware regarding this.

Repetition your sentence pattern such as There were a huge percentage of ideal = There were an increase of obesity among different age groups in 2015.

I strongly suggest to try other forms, for instance,
"2015 experienced an increase of obesity among different age groups"

Apart from the language of comparison, perhaps, you might present in chronological order. This because the table present two different year in the same figure from 1955 to 2015.