The quantity of requests received by the Tourist Information Office in an urban area

Tourist Information Office and the number of inquiries

I hope that you guys can help me identify the mistakes in my essay (ielts task 1) and the band score that i have.

IELST TASK 1: the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city in 2011

I hope that you guys can help me identify the mistakes in my essay (ielts task 1) and the band score that i have.

DRAFT
The given diagram illustrates the quantity of requests received by the Tourist Information Office in an urban area over a six-month period in the year 2011.

Overall, the customers' enquires in person occupies the highest number compare to by letter/ email and telephone. The amount of clients ask questions through phone also increases over six month, from January to June.

During this period of time, there is a dramatic increase in the enquires made in person. To be more specific, it raises from 400 enquires to 1900 at the end of June. On the other hand, the number of requests made by letter or email slightly decrease from the initial time to March. It also reduces by 410 enquires in the second quarter of the year.

Moreover, the enquires through telephone fluctuates in the first three month. Until June, this number goes up to 1600 enquires received. Compare to others made by different devices, the quantity of request through telephone is in the second position - 4 times higher than by email/ letter.

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Linh, for starters, you should not use an apostrophe after the S in "customers'". Use the term "customer's" to indicate single possession of an object and "customers'" when discussing the possession of multiple clients. In this case, you mean to use the term "customers" to indicate the plural form of "customer" or the clients of a business. You also have a noun disagreement presentation with the term "six month". That should be written as "six-months", which is a reference to the plural form of the months indicated.

Your summary overview is incomplete as you did not indicate what the actual 6 month coverage includes (January - June). I am not sure where you got the year, 2011, from because it is not indicated in the original chart. I guess that was part of the instructions that you forgot to include with the chart. You also did not indicate what method of requests are received, although you mentioned it partially as a part of the trending statement. You need to indicate these information as a complete part of the prompt overview to help the reader keep track of your information presentation per paragraph. Additionally, this is not a diagram but rather a line chart. Make sure to indicate the correct measurement illustration as that is part of the TA consideration.

What other devices are you referring to in the last paragraph? You should have included the phrase "as indicated in the chart" to clarify that you mean the 3 inquiry types present in the chart. There are several overlapping points that should have been presented in the analytical report such as the fact that the email and in person inquiries overlapped in mid February at around 650 and that the same information for by telephone and in person overlapped at 1000 in mid-March.

Look for these comparison points whenever possible to help increase your TA score. I am sure that was part of the original instructions given for this essay otherwise it would not have been made so obvious in the line chart.