Hi!
I have recently posted a couple of my essays for a literacy course, and i liked the editing. Now I have to submit my final essays and that' why I turned to u guys! Please give grammar suggestions about articles, comas and most importantly about language clarity, accuracy and style. If you are uncertain about how edit a wierd expression just point it out and I'll try to avoid it :) Thank you!
Lily
How to safe the Earth
Hoping to safe what is already damaged is like building a castle in the sky, we need to be realistic to what extend are we able to reduce human's carbon footprint. A study by Ian Herbert shows that the carbon footprint on product's label can significantly reduce emissions that the manufacturing process can cause. Justin Rowlatt in his "Ethical Man's top ten tips for ethical living" conveys that a person should give up very basic human needs, to reduce their carbon footprint. In my view as the human being, obviously, can not go back to the caveman era just for the sake of saving energy, we need to consider larger projects that would be conformity to everyone's everyday life, not interfering with it.
I agree that being responsible for the pollution we cause should be kept in mind, however being fanatic about it does not lead to the desirable outcome. The first "tip for ethical living" according to J. Rowlatt is to terminate driving personal vehicle at all and substitute it for the public transport, taxies or rent a car. The last argument could be far more costly than driving your own car, not to mention that the pollution produced from renting a car is the same as keeping your own. (Justin Rowlatt, par. 1) If more people follow Rowlatt's example the public transportation would become overcrowded, and people more frustrated. May be the taxi companies would benefit from that, but does it have to be with the cost of frustrated and irritated customers, just for the sake of saving our planet? Another study, reflected in Herbert's article, shows that companies that label their products with a carbon footprint label helps the environment and the market as well. In this case he states that customers are inclined to look for the carbon label on the products, thus increasing purchase power.(Herbert, 2007) As one can see Herbert's suggestion avoids irritation among consumers, and the results are more significant. When major corporations are involved in reducing their carbon footprint, their actions unify more people for the same cause. I think being extreme on those issues can be mistaken with a mental disorder. Saving the planet requires organized efforts and is a product of consistent research that can provide major changes without forcing people to look ridiculous.
Imposing restrictions on basic human needs in order to make the air cleaner, is redundant in compartment to the actions undertaken by major corporations with the same purpose. Some of the Rowlatt suggestions, like to insulate your home and buy energy saving light bulbs, are relatively good in terms of money and energy saving (Rowlatt, par.2, 8). The author inflicted numerous restrictions on himself and his family for a whole year believing that the air they breathe would become cleaner. Ian Herbert's research on the manufacturing process of 'Walkers crisps' conveys how unnecessary treatment of the potatoes can be limited, hence saving up to "9 200 tons of a carbon emissions £ 1.2m a year". (Herbert, 2007). I strongly support his idea, because only unified actions that involve the society as a whole can have a result if not in reducing the carbon footprint, at least in preventing further damage. One energy saving light bulb would not reduce our carbon footprint. I do not intend to completely discard Justin Rowlatt's ideas, however I find other ways for reducing out carbon footprint more efficient and time saving.
There is nothing wrong with implying Rowlatt's tips for reducing pollution; however becoming fanatic about it and restricting ourselves and families from everyday needs is nonsense. These actions would have less effect and would not comprehend with the input effort. I think only major companies and corporations can unify to make a difference, by putting the carbon footprint label on the products, for example. They have the means to incorporate more people for their causes by using the market place and consumers and their supplies to reduce the carbon footprint. Eventually, it is up to us, the humans, to decide up to what level do we want to get involved.
And the other one:
Personal reflection of my presentation
The first serious presentation in my life bears the same enthusiasm, effort and devotion of a kid that gets on his bicycle for first time. Considering my previous experience I think I did it in correspondence to my level. The topic we picked "Downtown Eastside" is not related to our program of study, neither is a widely discussed issue among students, which served as a main reason for choosing this particular subject. However not communicating effectively enough with the audience, failing to be consistent and to support my statements, and most importantly forgetting the "hook", prevented our presentation of reaching the desired success.
The purpose of our presentation initially was to introduce and inform the audience about the Downtown Eastside issues, because they step beyond the general common knowledge. We did the whole research on the topic together by searching for information that was strictly related to the topic, as well as to each other's sections. Both of us spent more than 15 hours in total for preparing the PowerPoint slides; research; communicating about each other's sections to avoid any irrelevant statements. Our topic required thorough research as we did not have much knowledge on the issue "Downtown Eastside" when we started our work. We had a problem with the timing, because we tried to include all the information we found captivating, which fitted into 15 minutes speech, but the time was cut after that. Therefore I think the outcome of our effort on the research proved to be productive, consistent and enhancing the commonly accepted ideas on the issue.
Our strongest features of the presentation were the use of "you" form and our Power Point slides which represented our main points in an interesting way. On my slides I included essential facts about Downtown Eastside development and its issues. We spent significant time on discussing the best options for the message on the last slide so that we leave the audience with something to think about. The last message: "Drugs did not create the downtown eastside. We did" was terrific for that purpose, and I am really proud of it because it is a product of our group work. I tried to link them logically and explain the relations between the different pieces of information on them. I tried to put rhetorical questions to increase the interest and the impact that I wanted my story to have on them and for that purpose I kept the public involved by being reader-oriented when I used the "you" form in my speech. Despite the fact that Dupinder and I devoted most of our time on the visuals and establishing connection with the audience, I failed to achieve the desired impact.
The main reasons for not achieving my goal for making a powerful presentation were that I missed the "hook", I used dry statistics and overgeneralizations, I did not communicate with the audience, I divagated often and I talked too quietly. Next time I will definitely think of a strong introduction that would grab the audience's attention. For this particular topic, questions like " How many of you have been in the East part of Hastings street?, How did you feel walking on that street? " would be a better start. I could also follow it with statements like: "Large numbers of people avoid that part of the city", or personal experience that I had in Kelowna, when being warned by friends to stay away from Main and Hastings. Establishing connection with the audience at the very beginning will help me to feel more relaxed through the rest of my speech. I think I have "stage fright", and I get nervous even in a small audience like that in the FAL class, which I believe resulted in lowering the volume of my speech. This fact surprised me because before I stepped in front of the class I was relaxed and full of knowledge. Once I began to talk my confidence vanished and the structure mistakes I made in my first sentences discouraged me even more. I caught myself over generalizing several times and I would try to support my statements with facts in future. I would also practice more in front of a mirror, and when timing myself I will always leave an extra minute at least. I noticed that I tend to do what is called "empty talk", which is neither advocating ideas, nor involving the audience in the discussion, and the reason for that is not enough practice. There is one more lesson I learned: when using percentage statistics, always picture it for the audience. For example 20% is one in every five, I figured out that dry statistic facts in a presentation should be depicted in a more acceptable way for the audience. Generally the whole presentation should be given in a more informal and captivating way. If I had stuck to the main point and facts, and communicated with the audience more loudly I would have done much better the rest of my presentation.
As a conclusion I would say that despite the fact I put so much effort in this project I did not reach my goal and I still have to improve my speech style and behavior in front of the audience. I think the subject we chose for our presentation could have been very interesting and thought-provoking if conveyed in the proper way. Still I think it was a great start, because of everything I learned it, and this experience moved me one step up on the stairs of the successful academic presentations.
Greetings!
I'm happy to help with some editing!
First of all, you want to get your main verb right: it's How to Save the Earth. When it's a verb it's "save"; when it's an adjective, it's "safe." We will save the Earth to make it safe. :-)
Hoping to save what is already damaged is like building a castle in the sky; we need to be realistic to what extent are we able to reduce humans' carbon footprint. In my view as a human being, obviously, we cannot go back to the caveman era just for the sake of saving energy; we need to consider larger projects that would conform to everyone's everyday life, not interfere with it.
Imposing restrictions on basic human needs in order to make the air cleaner, is redundant in compartment to the actions undertaken by major corporations with the same purpose. - the phrase in bold does not make sense. You could just say "because of."
The author inflicted numerous restrictions on himself and his family for a whole year believing that the air they breathe would become cleaner. Ian Herbert's research on the manufacturing process of 'Walkers crisps' conveys how unnecessary treatment of the potatoes can be limited, - The second sentence seems out of place to the one before it. You should continue explaining the "numerous restrictions" inflicted before moving on to something completely different.
There is nothing wrong with applying Rowlatt's tips for reducing pollution;
***
prevented our presentation from reaching the desired success.
We had a problem with the timing, because we tried to include all the information we found captivating, which fit into a fifteen-minute speech, but the time was cut after that.
divagated - I don't believe this is a word; did you mean "digressed"?
For example 20% is one in every five. I figured out
Still, I think it was a great start, because of everything I learned from it, and this experience moved me one step up on the staircase [or "step-ladder"]of successful academic presentations.
Good work!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Good afternoon.
From your posting, it seems that this prompt requests specific information from specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to, and as such, research for this response would fall out of the scope of my free services. Since it seems that you need extensive assistance with content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.
Good luck!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
