please help edit! Scene: a Vegas nightclub. A pretty girl, with long brown hair, smoky eyes, and skinny legs poking out from under a cheetah dress is flirting with men old enough to be her father. One man slips a hundred dollar bill into the lace of her bra and with a coy smile, disappears into the back room with her. Forty five minutes later, they reappear. The man nods to the owner, then slips his wedding ring back on and leaves the club. For the prostitute, the night is not over. With disheveled hair and smeared makeup, she finds her way to a new man and is greeted with a harsh hand around her waist and a "How much?" She has as least fifteen clients to get through to make her daily $1,000 quota. Day after day, she has sex with strangers and is forced to give the money to her pimps, the men who brought her to America. Their hopeful promises of a good office job were soon replaced by brutality and insurmountable debt. To repay it, they made her sell her body for sex. She is bound in sex slavery in the United States of America.
Sex Slavery--Intro to the prompt "problem in america right now"
Though I like your ending, I think you could make it stronger :)
Overall, very evocative and emotive; however, I'm not sure if it's a good topic for college admissions (but that's just my opinion).
Overall, very evocative and emotive; however, I'm not sure if it's a good topic for college admissions (but that's just my opinion).
Really seems sort of iffy in my opinion. I know you're supposed to talk about a problem in america... but man sex is just a really taboo topic to write about let alone on a college admissions essay. I would advise you to pick something else that shows your intellect. Talk about crime or drugs. I would vote they are much more prevalent than sex slaves. However, if you're really set on this, it's a really good, colorful intro.
In addition, I don't understand why the person above me put in the before sex slavery in the last sentence, but it doesn't make sense to me. In addition, I don't think you need to make the nod any more specific because it's clear to me as a reader that it's just a thank you sort of thing. Finally, I don't think you need an ending, but you need a transition of some sort to end your intro. Like a statistical fact or something like that.
Good luck!
In addition, I don't understand why the person above me put in the before sex slavery in the last sentence, but it doesn't make sense to me. In addition, I don't think you need to make the nod any more specific because it's clear to me as a reader that it's just a thank you sort of thing. Finally, I don't think you need an ending, but you need a transition of some sort to end your intro. Like a statistical fact or something like that.
Good luck!
I think the topic is fine as long as it's not too explicit.
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