alfinkurnia 33 / 47 Nov 17, 2016 #1Chris Milk is a innovative person. He uses technology to make interactive. He with his friend, Joshua and Mckenzie have idea to creating virtual reality projects. He showsnand brought the TED audience together in the world's largest collective VR experience. Recently as we know many technology like virtual realty has changed people view about technology.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783 Nov 17, 2016 #2Alfin, your summary misses all of the important key points of the discussion. There is no proper representation of the actual topic of the talk, the reason behind it, and the audience reaction to the activity. You did not even bother to spell check your work. There is a lack of cohesion and clarity in your writing. The grammar is horrible. You must learn to proof read your statements before sending it out for scoring or review. Notice that you have placed extra letters in the words "showsnand" which makes the word or term lose its meaning. What exactly where you trying to say? Also, you need to make sure that you learn the correct plural forms. In the sentence where you refer to "friend" you actually mention 2 names which makes the term plural and should therefore have been written as "friends" and not "friend". This essay is actually not informative at all and would most likely receive a failing score in an actual test setting. I advice you to watch or listen to the talk again and come back with a totally new version of the essay. One more informative this time for our review and analysis.
Dioba 68 / 104 7 Nov 17, 2016 #3Hi Alvin, let me give some suggestions for you.1. He with his friend , Joshua and Mckenzie have idea to ...---> Singular/plural problem2. He uses technology to make interactive (?).--> interactive for what? make the sentence more clear and not blur meaning.3. showsnand- --> miss spelling wordrealty --> miss spelling word4.the world's largest collective --- what thing the largest?5.Recently( put comma ),as we know many technology like ...6. Add more essential information in your essay dude.Keep writing and break a leg dude!
Wilyaftika23 46 / 37 1 Nov 19, 2016 #4Chris Milk is a innovative person who ...First of all, about topic sentence. You should identifies the title, author, and speaker of the original material. Such as, "a TEDers, talking about The birth of virtual reality as an art form". And the second is supporting sentences, you should follow the same order as original if possible. Furthermore, it is better for you to be objective. Last but not least, You cannot use your opinion and you should mention in general as in the original video.
