This is my first draft.
When I saw my friend with his Semi-Pro football championship ring, I knew I just had to have one. That's when I set a goal to help take my team to the semi-pro championships and win it. It all starts mentally; I have to prepare myself mentally for what's up ahead. I will commit myself to the gym 3 times a week so I don't hit plateau. Cardio will be a challenge, but it's a must. My muscles will feel like they're going to explode, but the results are worth it. Practice will be where I perfect new and old techniques. And game day will we where I leave it all. I will leave game day, practice, and the gym knowing I gave it my all. Winning a championship means I've played at the highest level. It's not just the championship ring, but the fact that I accomplished the title of the best, all through sheer hard work. Another goal that I want to complete is getting my A+ technicians certificate. All these years of building and repairing computers and yet to employers I have nothing they want. I have no job experience, no certificates, and no degrees. Not only will obtaining an A+ certificate open many doors, but I will have accomplished another step in computers. I've been reading books, searching the internet, and joined messages boards dedicated to helping people that want to take the A+ exam. Studying for the A+, I have gained an abundance of knowledge I never knew about computers. The path to gaining this certificate has had a big character development on me. I have a new found respect and gratitude for teaching my self, and not looking to always be taught. I've always loved building and fixing computers, and now I'll have a paper verifying that I'm certified at what I'm doing.
What was the prompt for this essay? Did they ask you to answer any specific question?
I will commit myself to the gym three times a week so I don't hit a plateau.
And game day will be where I leave it all.
Oh... you need to start a new paragraph after: ...all through sheer hard work.
Keep both paragraphs coming back to the idea of how this school is where you need to be, and keep showing that you are resolute in your determination to succeed by attending their school.
My background, Likes, Goals
I finally completed my full first draft with the help of the terrific mods of these forums. I think it needs a lot of work. I'm not that great at writing so I need all the help I can get.
This is SO much better!!! The organization set forth in the first paragraph is brilliant.
My likes could consist of a long list, so I'd like to write about two pursuits that I'm passionate about, and the y are football and computers. Accordingly , there are two goals that I really want to accomplish and they are: obtaining my A+ certificate and wining a semi pro championship.
The three things from my background that have a big...
or:
The three things from my background that had a big ... either way is fine.
I think you should write "eight" instead of 8, "twelve" instead of 12, thirty instead of 30.
Too many times, you say there are many things you like, etc.
Edit your intro for conciseness, then give one paragraph about each of those three pursuits, and then sum it all up with a good, reflective conclusion paragraph. THEN, go back and edit the whole thing for conciseness... taking out all unnecessary words and phrases like karate kid trimming a bonzai tree (See Karate Kid I)
:)
This would be even better if you could find a unifying theme that CONNECTS those three aspects of this essay. What do they all have in common? Whatever it is, the real you is in there.
Thanks, Kevin. Man, I love this site.
I revised it a bit and shorten it some what.
Dear Professor,
Growing up in Bronx, New York, I was always different then my peers. I wasn’t driven by the latest fashion crazes. I would rather pick apart a computer and fix it. All my friends would have a hobby such as collecting things while my hobby was working on computers. There are many things about my background that I can write about, but there are only a few things that really shaped me as an individual. I’d like to write about two of those things: my accident, and computers. My likes could consist of a long list, so I’d like to write about one pursuit that I’m passionate about it is computers. Accordingly there is one goal that I want to accomplish, In the near future, and that is obtaining my A+ certificate.
The two things from my background that have a big impact on me are my accident, and computers. It happened, a few days after I turned 13, in a playground next to the Harlem River, surrounded by four high risers called river park towers. There were rumors about a “ghost town” under the Washington Bridge. My inquisitive friends wanted to see this “ghost town”, but I didn’t because just the way of getting there was dangerous. You had to climb over a railing which separated the Harlem River from the park. There were slippery rocks and the river was literally 3-5 feet from you, one slip and you’d be in the river. I gave in to the peer pressure received from my friends and decided to go. We climb over the railing one by one and continued, walking cautiously over the slippery rocks. As we were walking I slipped. Unfortunately, I didn’t slip in to the river, instead, the crown of my head cracked open on a rock. Blood poured down my face like a waterfall. I almost suffered a panic attack, but then I remembered from youth football when I had the wind knocked out of me, my coach told me to stay claim and breathe calmly. I wrapped a shirt around my head and my friends assisted me back and called 911. I had to get four stitches and was about to have another panic attack due to the doctors having to do it while I was awake. A few days later my uncle gave me a desktop computer because he wanted me to stop hanging out side so much because of my accident. I was thrilled and spent all night and day on it, figuring it out and learning it. After a few months of using my computer it did what every store brand computer does, broken down. I was always curious on how it worked and what was in the inside of it. I opened it and the inside looked way too complicated so I proceeded to closing it back up. After a few searches on my library’s computer and contemplating what the error messages that displayed on my computer meant I came to the conclusion that I needed a new OS (operating system). That was the first time, ever, that I fixed a computer problem. Since then, I’ve developed a passion for fixing and building computers; just because of an accident.
My curiosities about computers led to a passion for working with them. I’ve fixed my first computer at 14 years old. The experience left me in a web of even more curiosity. After about 2-3 years of reading about, studying, and fixing various computers, I decided to build my own. I built my own pc and with great success I completed it. From building my first PC, I’ve built over thirty computers for various people. I don’t only get satisfaction in building and fixing computers, but that I’ve taught myself every thing I know about computers and that I’m helping people along the way. Working with computers is a never ending challenge for me; new software and hardware are always surfacing, which means new problems and new components to build even better pc’s; there’s always something new to conquer that’s why I love computers.
The A+ Certificate is my most current, in demand, promising, goal. All these years of building and repairing computers and yet to employers I have nothing they want. I have no job experience, no certificates, and no degrees. Not only will obtaining an A+ certificate open many doors, but I will have accomplished another step in the endless footsteps of computers. I’ve been reading books, searching the internet, and joined messages boards dedicated to helping people that want to take the A+ exam. Studying for the A+, I have gained an abundance of knowledge I never knew about computers. The path to gaining this certificate has had a big character development on me. I have a new found respect and gratitude for teaching my self, and not looking to always be taught. I’ve always loved building and fixing computers, and now I’ll have a paper verifying that I’m certified at what I’m doing.
