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TOEFL essay: Times are changing - is progress always good?

jen4enka 1 / 1  
Apr 17, 2012   #1
Hello everybody! I just started my preporation to the TOEFL. And I can not judge my essays by myself.
Please, help me to improve my essays! Below my first one:

Is progress always good?

Times are changing. The technological progress follows in man's footsteps. But does the progress have always positive effect on us? Even though progress improves and makes easer our lives as well as help us to investigate not only our planet but also space, I believe that in some cases it causes negative impact on humanity and the Earth. A number of reasons convince me about that.

First of all, with the development of technology we started to communicate less. For example, most of people prefer to use internet in their computers and cell phones in order to communicate with each other instead of contacting face to face. Thereby there is distance among us which increases every year.

Secondly, progress causes that we more often interfere with the nature and I think our influence is not good. For instance, now couples that cannot have children use in vitro fertilization (IVF) in order to bore a child. Of course that's very great chance for them. However, what about natural selection in such case? It's absent. IVF children are often born with disabilities and weaknesses whereas healthy couples don't want kids and do abortion. As a result, the nature laws are broken.

And last but not least, people created a lot of terrible arms due to progress. As is known 20th century is the most progressive one of human history. It was century when man invented the most dangerous weapon - nuclear arms. Because of that now the Earth is under huge threat of disappearance. Therefore if we don't have such a great progress, we would have stronger confidence in the future.

In conclusion, in one hand, due to progress our lives becomes easier, faster, more comfortable, but in other hand, they becomes more perfunctory. Developing the technologies and creating new inventions we have negative influence on the nature that goes up and can result in irreversible processes on the Earth.

sherxon 1 / 11  
Apr 18, 2012   #2
some cohesive mistakes: 1) thereby,
2) as it is known, 20th century...
try to write in a professional way! instead of saying this ''Secondly, progress causes that we more often interfere with the nature and I think our influence is not good''

u had better, in my opinion, write; progress is causing human interference with the nature to increase, which has some, i think, negative aspects in all fields of life. for example...
OP jen4enka 1 / 1  
Apr 18, 2012   #3
Sherxon thank you a lot.
But I don't understand
1) Where need I use word: thereby
and 2) What is incorrect in As it is known.. ?
sherxon 1 / 11  
Apr 18, 2012   #4
Hi! jen4enka
i meant that u need put , after thereby
and second as is known is informal
as it known is formal
besides u should create beautiful appearance with ur essay. while paragraphing there should be a blank line! do not use question sentences. instead u can write ''whether progress is always of advantage sparks a heated debate among people. As of me. progress is...

in this way u can continue
if u need any help, feel free

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