Toefl Essay Topic: Telecommuting, working in an office?

This is a Longman Essay Topic.
Hi everyone!! I am preparing for the toefl ibt. I am not good at writing.. either in my own language. I get maximum 20 point from writing sections and I can't impove it. Could you please check my essay and tell your opinions about it?

Thank you very much

Do you think telecommuting is more advantageous and common comparing to the working in an Office? Different people will give different responses to this question depending on their own characteristics, emotional concerns, personal experiences and even educational backgrounds. However, when it comes to me, I strongly believe that working in an office is more advantageous. There are several reasons for my perspective as follow in the next paragraphs.

The first and foremost reason is that telecommuting interrupt social relationships. Socialism is one of the most important thing in human life. Recently, our jobs cover our lives completely. After doing our duties, we have a very little time to do other things. Therefore, job hours are very essential for us and staying alone and without sharing anything to anyone is not healthy for human pyschology. Just as the English proverb goes, 'There are some people who have the opposite view and prefer not to have any relation and do his duities by himself.

In the second place, besides building up new relations at work, working in an Office provide you to join different kind of activities. Joining wine days or dinner organizations and going to sport centers, dance courses, concert organizations are the couple of examples of acting together. When you work isolated in your home, you could be aware about such kind of things.

Last but not least, working in an Office provide you best environment to get informations about your job and learn new progresses happening in your profficiency. In addition, you have a chance to discuss with your friends about one particular topic, and ask something that you have trouble at work to the experienced employees. Job environment presents you to help your collegeaus and getting help from your collegaues.

In conclusion, working in an Office is much more advantageous comparing to the telecommuting. The sense of helping someone who needs, joining activities with your colleagues, and socializing, getting friends are the some good ways what Office environment brings to us. Therefore, I prefer to work with my colleagues and benefit from these good ways.

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Hi, I just try to adjust some improper useages of your sentences, and the red rigions is the place where I correct your essay. So please check it out around these rigions carefully. In addition, I have to remind you that the structure of your essay still exists some problem, but I could not indicate it obviously in this correcting style. Hope what I have done useful to you.

Do you think telecommuting is more advantageous and common than working in an Office? Different people will give different responses to this question, depending on their own characteristics, emotional concerns, personal experiences and even educational backgrounds. However, I strongly believe that working in an office is more benefical . There are several reasons for my perspective as follows:

The first and foremost reason is that telecommuting interrupts social relationships. Social communication is one of the most important thing in human life. Nowadays , our jobs cover our lives completely. After doing our duties, we have a very little time to do other things. Therefore, working is very essential for us to communiace with others , and staying alone and sharing nothing to anyone is not healthy for human's pyschology. Just as the English proverb goes, 'There are some people who have the opposite view and prefer not to have any relation and do their duities by themselves .

In the second place, besides building up new relations at work, working in an Office provides you to join different kind of activities. Joining wine days or dinner organizations and going to sport centers, dance courses, concert organizations are examples of acting together. When you work alone in your home, you could not be aware about such kind of things.

Last but not least, working in an Office provides you better environment to get information about your job and make new progress in your profficiency. In addition, yo have a chance to discuss with your friends about one particular topic, and ask something that you have trouble in at work to the experienced employees. Job environment presents you a chance to help your collegeaus and get help from them .

In conclusion, working in an Office is much more advantageous than telecommuting. The sense of helping someone , joining activities with your colleagues, socializing, and getting friends are the some good ways Office environment brings to us. Therefore, I prefer to work with my colleagues and benefit from these good ways.

Thank you very much okme!!
What should I do about structure of my essay?
Could you give me some ideas?

Thank you again

Sincerely

Hi! The word-structure I uesed last day to you essay is not proper. The structure of your essay is very good. What I wanted to express is that in your essay there are some words appeared many times, which would give the impression that your vocabulary is not enough so as to affect your grade, so I advise you try to remember synonyms of some words used frequently in your practice. It is better to apply more changes of your sentence pattern and more senior vocabulary, of course.

Best!