Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 2


Underground railway system along with inception, kilometers covered and passengers traveled per year



Test_Taker15 4 / 3  
Sep 9, 2016   #1
IELTS academic task 1 - underground railway systems of six cities

The table provides data on underground railway systems of six cities (London, Paris, Tokyo, Washington DC, Kyoto, and Los Angeles) along with their inception, kilometers covered, and passengers traveled per year.

The London underground railway system is the oldest network which was opened in 1863 compared to the latest Los Angeles underground railway system which was opened in 2001. The underground railway system of Paris, Tokyo, Washington DC, and Kyoto were opened in 1900, 1927, 1976, and 1981 respectively.

In terms of the distance covered, the London underground railways covers the longest distance (394 km) while the Kyoto underground railways covers the shortest distance (11 km). The distance covered the underground railway systems of Paris, Tokyo, Washington DC, and Los Angeles are 199 km, 155 km, 126 km, and 28 km respectively.

Overall, the Tokyo underground railway system carries most number of passengers (1927 mil) per year compared to Kyoto which carries the least number of passengers (45 mil) per year. The Paris underground railway system which covers a distance of 199 km, carries the second most number of passengers per year (1191 mil).The underground railways system of Washington DC carries 144 million passengers per year. The oldest London underground railway system carries 775 million passengers per year, in contrast to the Los Angeles network that carries only 50 million passengers per year.


  • Essayforum.png


ichanpants89 16 / 742  
Sep 9, 2016   #2
Hi Kripke, welcome to EF team! :)

I would like to directly point out your weaknesses in order to help you improve your writing skill, particularly in writing IELTS task 1. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.

- First, writing 223 words like what you've done for IELTS task 1 doesn't mean it is forbidden, but is not suggested. A long essay makes the organization of the paragraph will be messy and confusing. You can just aim for 165 - 190 words maximum for an essay.

- Second, this ....1900, 1927, 1976, and 1981 respectively. and this ...Paris, Tokyo, Washington DC, and Los Angeles are 199 km, 155 km, 126 km, and 28 km respectively. are called shop-listing. You've listed too many data that can possibly damage the final score of your writing. Summarize them, do not list them.

- Lastly, overview is not simply by saying "overall". A good and well-written overview is that it can describe the main features of the table given and make the most noticeable comparison where relevant. You shouldn't come up with the numbers. Data shouldn't be appeared in overview. You can just simply say which one is the biggest and which one is the lowest without mentioning the data. Remember, a tendency to focus on details is the criteria of band 5. If you want to reach band 6 and above, avoid making the same mistake.

Hope this helps :)


Home / Writing Feedback / Underground railway system along with inception, kilometers covered and passengers traveled per year
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Need professional help with your assignments? Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳