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WRITING TASK 2 - VIOLENT MOVIES can cause serious social problems


kamikazexoxo 2 / 4  
May 1, 2014   #1
Many people believe that the high levels of violence in films today are causing serious social problems . What are these problems and how could they be reduced ? .

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Recently, most of people suppose that the high rates of violent scenes are leading to detrimental community issues . One of the main problems that contributes to the severe troubles is violent movies make people neglected . This problem , among others , will be discussed hereafter, and methods which can reduce them will be given .

To begin with , there are three factors bringing about the consequence of violent films . First of all , Violent films made people hard to concentrate on their work . For instance , they can waste a lot of their time watching violent films and forgot what they need to do . Moreover , Violent movies also make people addicted . They can spend most of their budget buying violent films . In addition , children misbehavior stems from watching violent cinema . Due to the fact that , Youngsters are not mature enough , they may mimic what they see derived from the ignorance . This is also leading to an increase in crime rates .

To deal with these problems , there are numerous measures which could be implemented to reduce the social problems caused by the violent movies. First and foremost , Violent movies should be better consored . For example , If the government remove the violent scenes in movies , people will unable to imitate it . Beside , Parents should have a discipline in their home . Caring about their children's bahavior and activities carefully aid parents to manage their children more effectively .

In conclusion , while there are many issues aringing as a consequence of the increasing amounts of violence in movies . I believe that the best way to solve that problems is education . Hence , People will understand that violence is unacceptable and they will not mimic it .

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Could you gimme a band score of my essay and feedbacks , thanks !

fikri 5 / 317 71  
May 1, 2014   #2
great, you wrote problem-solving paragraph well, but one thing that you forgot, you should show the difference of the paragraphs, so the readers will easier to catch your ideas hat you want to deliver here
niesaysi 16 / 284 83  
May 1, 2014   #3
One of the main problems that contributes to the severe troubles is that violent movies make people neglected .
Recently, most of people suppose that the high rates of violent scenes are leading to detrimental community issues .

This problem , among others , will be discussed hereafter, and methods which can reduce them will be given .

Delete this. Instead of writing this way, express your opinion. It is not presented in your introduction.
To begin with , there are three factors that bringbringingabout the consequence of violent films .[/quote]

First of all , v iolent films made people

Moreover , Violent movies

violent

Due to the fact that , Youngsters are not mature enough

youngsters

For example , If the government

if

If the government removesthe violent scenes in movies

Beside , Parents should have a discipline

parents
Beside, parents shouldimpose discipline in their home

In conclusion , while there are many issues aringing as a consequence of the increasing amounts of violence in movies,(use comma instead of period). I believe that the best way to solve that problems is education . Hence , People will understand that violence is unacceptable and they will not mimic it .

The italic part should be combined as one. They are not separate sentences.

Good luck:)
OP kamikazexoxo 2 / 4  
May 1, 2014   #4
Thanks all , i just wonder

To begin with , there are three factors that bring bringing about the consequence of violent films .

[/quote]
Why we cant use " bringing about the" in this sentence .
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 1, 2014   #5
Recently , most ofMany people supposebelieve that the high rates of violent scenesviolenceare leadingthat lead to detrimental community issues . One of the main problems that contributes to the severe troubles is violent movies make people neglectedare caused by the violent scenes in movies.This problem , among others , will be discussed hereafter, and methods which can reduce them will be given .Such scenes are particularly bad for young minds and strict censorship on such scenes can be an effective measure to deal with this issue(you need to briefly state the problem and the measure that you would talk in detail in the body paras)
brandymhunter 2 / 15 2  
May 1, 2014   #6
Caring about their children's bahaviorbehavior and activities...
niesaysi 16 / 284 83  
May 5, 2014   #7
Why we cant use " bringing about the" in this sentence .

Hi, it's grammatically correct. But we should avoid writing a wordy sentence as much as possible. That is one of the sentence common faults that we must avoid in writing sentences.:)
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
May 5, 2014   #8
To begin with , there are three factors bringing about thenegative consequencesofcaused by violent films . First of all , Violent films made people hard to concentrate on their workdisturb the concentration of the people . For instance , they can waste a lot of their time watching violent films and forgotforget what they need to do . Moreover , Violent movies also make people addicted . They can spend most of their budget buying violent films .


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