I was waving goodbye to the life I had for 16 years/Transition from Childhood to Adulthood

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

I was waving goodbye to the life I had for 16 years. I was leaving behind all my friends, family and home in order to begin my journey, transformation from childhood to adulthood. My mother had trusted me to let me move across the country 3,000 miles away from her. I was to stay with my aunt from my dad's side and my distant dad had decided to move in as well. I wish I could say that this transition is finished, but this transition is just the beginning of my journey into the real adult world.

Not many 16-year-old teens would move across the country during their senior year of high school. What motivated me to move was not because I wanted to get away from my overbearing mother, but because I saw this move as my chance to grab the bright future I envisioned for myself. The education system, job opportunities and lifestyle at Mountain View California was far better than that of the less advanced Egg Harbor Township New Jersey. When I moved here, I felt alive again. The town felt alive with so many different places to adventure into. At night, the sky and atmosphere was filled with lights and chatter of people on strolls or out at the cafes. This new town had an allure and I was naturally drawn to it. At my old town, everything felt dead. People went to the same restaurants or same hangout places because there were only so many different places to go to. I started seeing the same face and I did get bored. I wanted to change. And most of all, I did not want to end up like everyone else stuck in the same place. I wanted to be different and make something truly amazing of my life. And so I decided to make a bold move and move out to California.

Since I have moved here I have come to understand many qualities about myself. It takes courage to leave behind familiarity and embrace change. Most people fear change but I have learned to embrace it since I always learn something new or even a valuable lesson from change. It takes determination to be able to set high goals and attempt to achieve them. I do not plan on settling down after I move to California. I am determined to get involved in this brand new high school and meet new people that I can call my friends. It takes strength to continue to adapt to a new environment and school. It takes maturity to be able to do everything I have done by myself.

Reflecting back on my life choices and my actions, I can see how I have blossomed from that naďve shy child to this ambitious and resilient young adult. I am still shocked that I have changed so much. I was once so obedient and observant as adults made choices for me. However, I am freed and independent now - I am making choices for myself. I am eager to dive into life and tackle any obstacle that comes my way. This move from South Jersey to California marks the greatest decision I've made in my life thus far. By coming here, I have expanded my education opportunities and challenged myself to adapt to a new environment. I feel myself changing each day as I am here. As I approach my last year of high school, I see the chapters of my childhood life ending as the chapters of my adulthood start to begin.

I think you wrote this pretty well!
However, I think you could do some more "showing" and less "telling", meaning you could use a couple of descriptions of how you took care of your father than just saying how hard it was. And, did your relationship with your father improve? I don't think you mentioned it in the essay. Since you started the paragraph with "


" I think you should at least say you're no longer angry with your father and explain why.

I hope my opinions make sense.

....nice ... good presentation :)


I was leaving behind all my friends, family and home in order to begin my journey, transformation from childhood to adulthood.
. My mother had trusted me toand let me move across the country 3,000 miles away from her.


....but because I knew this move would provide me far more opportunities than what I had got by staying in South Jersey.

This sentence does not flow right; I think it's because of length. It might be good to split it into two sentences.
However mature, independence, and responsible I was, I failed to foresee all the obstacles that would come with this decision. When I got to California, I had to develop a relationship with my dad, and get used to my new environment without my familiar surroundings and family to support me."


You want to avoid directly stating what your essay is about. They'll see which prompt you chose, and you want it to clearly come across in your ESSAY that it was a transition from childhood to adulthood, instead of stating, "I moved to California, and transitioned from a child to adult." SHOW the reader, don't tell them, like Gritwinz said.


The tense used in this sentence is not consistent with the rest of the essay. You seem to switch between talking in the present, to the past, etc. You start out with an anecdote, so maybe continue a few more sentences about the day you left in present tense, and then transition into past tense when you explain why you moved to California. Then, talk about the troubles you faced when you got there.

A lot of sentences are like the following, first in present and then in past, or vice versa:


Besides that, it feels like there's a lot of information that the reader doesn't get. I think the essay could be a lot more personal, and it would be better to do that. Why did you have to parent your father? How did that make you feel? You said it caused many inner conflicts but only mentioned one before moving on. Why did you move to California? You said because of educational opportunities, but is there something else? Not many 16-year olds choose to move across the entire country because they want to go to a better school. If that is truly the only reason you chose to move, elaborate on that. Where was your aunt in all of this? Why did you have to take on the job of buying food and paying the bills?

Overall, your essay is not bad at all. Just fix your tenses, be more specific about everything--show more examples, like one day you came home and the electricity was off because your dad hadn't paid the bills, or there was almost no food in the fridge because your dad hadn't gone to the grocery store. Tell about specific moment that forced you to learn those skills you talked about. Other than that, it's really little things that you'd catch if you read through a couple times, especially out loud! Ask teachers to look over it as well.

Good luck! I hope this helped.

I like it! It's really great. The ONLY thing I would say is switch one "alive" to something else, since they're right after each other. It's really awesome though, good job! Good luck with admissions!