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Being given €1500 - Transition from Childhood to Adulthood


maddigirl 4 / 19 2  
Dec 31, 2013   #1
This is a first draft, still not sure if I'm going to even use this essay. So not sure if this fits the prompt well enough. Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family. I would appreciate any general feedback (grammar, content, syntax) and will read your essay!

Stuffed in the metro, with €1500 tucked in my bra, I try my best to appear normal. I tap my foot nervously and look around the train: rather than staring at me, the other passengers fiddle with their phones and kindles. I mimic the others and read an email under the subject "Anna Nicole wanna b?" for the seventh time."I heard what happened to you and the words that come to my mind are brilliant, weird, bizarre, lucky, and strange." [..]
Akuhah 4 / 10  
Dec 31, 2013   #2
Before I even make any comment on the story, i have to ask, is this a true story?
OP maddigirl 4 / 19 2  
Dec 31, 2013   #3
it is 100% true
OP maddigirl 4 / 19 2  
Dec 31, 2013   #4
by the way, I changed the ending:
I came to Spain a girl--still afraid to trust and be open. But I know I will leave this country the young woman I've become. I feel ready for all that lays ahead of me: college, the peace corps, my diplomatic pursuits...Wherever I may go, I will always be at home among strangers; the world is my intimate family.
Akuhah 4 / 10  
Dec 31, 2013   #5
ok well since it is...

Stuffed in the metro, with €1500 tucked in my bra, I try my best to appear normal. I tap my foot nervously and look around the train: rather than staring at me, the other passengers fiddle with their phones and kindles. I mimic the others and read an email under the subject "Anna Nicole wanna b?" for the seventh time."I heard what happened to you and the words that come to my mind are brilliant, weird, bizarre, lucky, and strange." (sentence is not clear and its confusing as it relates to anna nicole wanna be and the words that follow at the end)
The laughter attempts to surge and the harder I try to hold it in, the higher it crawls up my throat. I clamp my mouth shut. I breath in, and out. "Calm down," I tell myself. And then all eyes are on me: I have exploded into fits of hysterical and convulsive laughter. I'm free!

I finished my story and he stared down at his coffee, pensive. "Je te donnerai l'argent." (what story?? and try not to use french if you are not going to offer a translation. be mindful that the admissions officer may not be fluent in french)
I was so shocked my French escaped me.(Reword the statement. something like... i was so shocked that my french escaped from me. Also, who is speaking in french in the previous line?) "What?"
He laughed. "I'll give you the money."
"No, I understood you...it's just...why?!"
"Well, you need it more than I do, and really, €1000 is nothing...a tenth of my shoes."
I was still trying to catch up. 15 minutes earlier, I had been been approached by my(a) 80 year-old Mauritian classmate--who I had never talked to before(who never spoke to me before) --all because I had been holding a french book in my hand. (the story line is confusing.. i think you should move the plot around. i see you using flashback but try not to use two at the same time as it can become confusing) Now, I sat across from him in the abysmal school cafeteria drinking a café con leche, staring down at his crocodile-skin loafers--which were apparently worth €10000--after having shared my entire life story in a total of three languages. This could not be real.
"I imagine you need the money right away.(' he said, ') You can pick it up tonight at my apartment."
I thought if I hadn't already been killed by the Mauritian man I most certainly would be in his apartment. (isnt this man the one who is offering to give you the money? if it is then this statement doesnt make any sense. perhaps you havent expressed what you intended properly) But what did I have to lose? I was depressed, alone in a foreign country, and suffering from anxiety. My eyelid twitched. "Where's your apartment?" (why were you alone, depressed and suffering from anxiety in a foreign country?? need the background to this.)

I walked past Cibeles palace through the nicest part of Madrid, making my way through the maze of twisting callejuelas until I arrived at Jacques' apartment. He was already waiting at the doorway and led me inside. My eyes flitted here and there, struggling to take in the grandeur: the cathedral-like ceilings, the intricate wallpaper, the hodgepodge of antique and modern pieces...A credulous (sure this is the correct word??) laugh escaped me. It was simply too much.
Jacques laughed. "Ce n'est pas mauvais." (what does this mean?? )
"Non," I replied.
In the parlor he pulled out a briefcase and a large stack of cash. He handed me a small fraction of the stack which amounted to €1500. "You've given me too much!" I exclaimed, handing him €400.
"I only work in 500's, my dear," he said. (If he only works in 500 how comes you gave him back 400??)

Walking back to the metro, my legs failed me and I sank down to the curb. I sat there thinking that these types of things never happen in real life. I tried to tell Jacques just how much he had done for me but he (had) casually brushed it off. "It was nothing really..." (you need to come back to the present to tie the beginning of the essay to the end)
But it wasn't (nothing) . I had come to Spain to escape home (why) but then found myself drowning in deeper waters. Nobody I knew could do anything to help me. (might want to rephrase) But a stranger could. In fact, multiple strangers could (how did multiple strangers get into this??) . Although I found myself in a horrible situation (what horrible statement?) , throughout the whole ordeal, I was able to find comfort by striking up conversations on the bus (where did you say this?? you said you were reading an email. ), and opening up to my professors and classmates. I came to Spain a girl--still afraid to trust and be open. But(dont start with but..) I know I will leave this country the young woman I've become. I feel ready for all that lays ahead of me: college, the peace corps, my diplomatic pursuits...I never want to go home, home . Because wherever I may go, I will always be at home among strangers; the world is my intimate family.

This essay needs alot of work. it doesnt answer the prompt completely and it leaves alot to the imagination. far more detail is needed and i advise you to look it over throroughly. feel free to post the revised version of the essay.


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