I really need help on this app. essay.. its done but i need corrections...
"Congratulations! You are going to be a mother!" said the doctor, after the ultrasound. I was so terrified and at the same time overwhelmed of happiness. I said to myself is this real? Am I dreaming? It was real and I was certainly not dreaming. [..]
"Congratulations! You are going to be a mother!" said the doctor after the ultrasound. I was so terrified and at the same time overwhelmed with happiness. I said to myself, I s this real?
And I kept saying to myself, W hat am I going to do? I haven't even finished high school!
This experience changed my life completely; I was a young mother to be, and all I could think of was my son and the future I wanted to give him. So I kept saying to myself, I can do this, my son is a blessing and because of him I am going to be successful in life.I pushed myself to be more responsible, to be more cooperative, and to be the best I could be. Make sure you stay in the same tense throughout your piece. If you're in the past, stay there.
During my senior year I got involved in several different activities. I became the organizer of all activities offered by seniors to the rest of the school's students, such as the school's anniversary party, championships of all different sports (between students of all grades), and Valentine's Day activities, just to name a few. I also became a Latin dance teacher, and choreographed presentations to invite all the people of the community and collect money to help poor families of a small town called Jiquilillo. As time passed by, I really enjoyed helping people and felt joy to know that I gave a part of me to these people. As a result, I decided to get involved with a Christian organization that collected money to buy medicine, clothes, and food for extremely poor families of the same town that my classmates and I were starting to help.
I volunteered to all of these community service activities because being a mother opens yourAvoid using "you" and "your" in formal academic writing; try using "I" or "one" instead. eyes to the world, and let you see of how much the world is needy of love and compassion. What if we do notAvoid using contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many professors will count off for their use. help each other? What if we turn or face to the other side and not give our hands to the people that really need it? The world can be a better place if we only give love to each other.
Now my son is seven months old and he is my inspiration to everything I do. Because of him I want to graduate, be successful and prosperous, and give him the best of me."
As the prompt was not included in the posting, I am unsure as to whether or not your piece answers it, so I have edited for grammar and mechanics only. I hope this helps.
thank you very much... you've been really helpful... i have alot of grammar mistakes english is not my first language i really appreciate your help...
and the prompt is:
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
please tell me if my essay is good in relation to the prompt
thank you so much
Absolutely. I think it is an excellent response to the prompt; you give great detail to your reasoning, but I don't see where you explain how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the campus community. Make sure you tie that in; you can expand upon it during the essay in one of the earlier paragraphs, or you can add it on to the end, using it as a conclusion that ties the two pieces (your story and how it will affect your college experience) together.
thank you so much you have been great!!!
I really would like to post my new conclusion. do you think you can give me your opinion about it?? please that would be wonderful
Just post the new conclusion, and I will be happy to look over it for you.
Now my son is seven months old and he is my inspiration and motivation to everything I do. Thanks to him not only am I a young woman who aspires prosperity and success in life but one that has many qualities; I am responsible, determined, hardworking, academically oriented, organized, bright, talented, a natural leader and overall confident about my future.
I believe that with my son's inspiration, my qualities and my will to help others, I can contribute to the UF's campus community as much as it needs me too, especially in the academic aspect.
I thank you in advanced for giving me the opportunity to be a possible future student at The University of Florida.
OK, I'm assuming the above is the new conclusion.
One suggestion:
"...talented, a natural leader, and overall confident about my future.
I believe that with my sonas my inspiration, my qualities, and my will to help others, I can contribute to the UF campus community as much as it needs me too, especially in regards to academics.
I thank you in advance for giving me the opportunity to be a possible future student at t he University of Florida."
Much nicer, a cleaner ending. Good work.
