Can you proofread my essay and offer suggestions on how to improve my essay? Can you also make sure that I am supporting my thesis and not simply supporting plot? Thanks!
prompt: Discuss how Fitzgerald reveals that materialism is corrupting society in the 1920s.
After talking to my teacher, she offered some suggestions on how to fix my essay so that I do not prove plot only and that I am proving my thesis. I tried to make those changes. I also tried to fix my repetition. Can you proofread this paper and see where I need to fix? Thanks!
The Roaring Twenties was a new era in response to the horrific World War I. Many people felt lost and disconnected from their modern life. As a result, many women and young people adopted a more relaxed moral attitude that went against traditional roles, values, and morals. This typical 1920s society is presented in Fitzgerald's novel, The Great Gatsby. In his novel, Fitzgerald reveals materialism is corrupting the society.
Many characters in Fitzgerald's novel confirm that materialism is corrupting society. One character is Gatsby. From the beginning of the novel, Gatsby is materialistic. Nick comments, " he took out a pile of shirts and began throwing them one by one before [Daisy]...green and lavender and faint orange" (98). Gatsby's action in displaying his different colored silk shirts serves as a statement to Daisy of the wealth he has accumulated. In the process of impressing her, he becomes materialistic. Gatbsy's ambitions are sacrificed for his determined obsession of living up to Daisy's standards and pursuing Daisy. Thus, this obsession shows that Gatsby is materialistic. Unfortunately, materialism causes Gatsby to act desperately, which leads to his corruption. Gatsby's corruption is made known when Tom tells Daisy, "He and this Wolfshiem bought up a lot of side-street drug stores here in Chicago and sold grain alcohol over the counter" (141). Consequently, Gatsby's materialistic desire of winning Daisy's heart causes him to be involved in shady businesses with Wolfshiem, proving materialism corrupts him. As a result, Gatsby's materialistic value ultimately proves unbeneficial, since Gatsby receives a notorious reputation and is known as a corrupted man.
Another character that demonstrates the corruption of materialism is Daisy. Daisy is materialistic from the beginning. Gatsby states, "She only married you [Tom] because I was poor" (137). The fact that Daisy left Gatsby and married Tom for his money shows that she is materialistic. Furthermore, Daisy's materialism reflects on her character. Daisy does not care for others, and she values Tom's money over Gatsby's love. The materialistic values that Daisy holds, therefore, ultimately corrupt her. Her corruption is proven when Gatsby later describes to Nick Daisy's car accident, "Well, first Daisy turned away from the woman toward the other car, and lost her nerve and turned back...Daisy stepped on it." (151). Daisy's cruel action shows her corruption, since she continues to drive without any consideration of the pedestrian, Myrtle. Daisy's materialism results in her lack of a sense of humanity. She disregards human beings and care only for her materials. Furthermore, Daisy's materialism causes her to act selfishly through her careless lifestyle. Nick states, "Daisy...smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into [her] money or [her] vast carelessness..." (188). Daisy's carelessness reveals her corruption. She uses her wealth and position to escape whatever she chooses. In this case, she flees from the death of Tom's mistress, Myrtle, and let Gatsby take the blame, showing her corruption. Moreover, her action demonstrates the dishonest exploitation of power for personal gain, which also reveals the corruption of materialism. Daisy marries for money and does not reflect on the feelings of others. In addition, she gives no respect to the person she runs over. Thus, her attachment to money causes her to be corrupted, since materialism causes her to show no compassionate for human beings altogether.
A third character that exhibits corruption of materialism is Tom. From the beginning of the novel, Tom is materialistic. Nick comments, "[Tom] turn[ed] me around by one arm...along the front vista, including...a sunken Italian garden, a half acre of deep pungent roses and a snub-nosed-motor boat...[and said] "It belonged to Demaine the oil man" " (12). Obviously, Tom takes pride and is devoted to his possessions, since Tom leads Nick to the spot where he can mention that the boat belonged to "Demaine the oil man." His statement clearly reveals his overindulged obsession with his riches, which is presented by his nice home that he desires to display. Furthermore, the flaunting of his place clearly shows that he gives much attention to the house's grandeur and great appearance. Tom, therefore, is materialistic. Accordingly, Tom's materialism leads to his corruption. Nick states, "a thin red circle in the water...It was after we started with Gatsby toward the house that the gardener saw Wilson's body a little way off in the grass and the holocaust was complete" (170). Tom's focal interest in money results in his corruption when he only thinks of himself and retreat back to his money following Myrtle's death. Therefore, he is responsible for the occurrence of this "holocaust," or horrible manslaughter of Gatsby, since he leaves Gatsby behind to be killed. Because of Tom's materialism, he is devoid of emotion and is corrupted.
A symbol that shows materialism is corrupting society is Gatsby's party. The people from the party defy moral principles. Nick states, "His guests diving from the tower of [Gatsby's] raft...they conducted themselves according to the rules of behavior associated with amusement parks" (43, 45). The people of the party take advantage of Gatsby by using his belongings. They treat Gatsby's mansion as they would in "amusement parks." Their vulgar manner and outrageous behavior reveals the corruption of society. Such atrocious presentation from the people at Gatsby's party is resulted from their materialistic values. Nick notices, "the number of young Englishmen ...agonizingly aware of the easy money in vicinity [and] the two or three people of whom I asked [the host's] whereabouts stared at me in such an amazed way and denied so vehemently any knowledge of his moments" (46). The conversation among these men reveals that they are interested in money. The people from Gatsby's party are so concerned with their wealth that they do no pay attention to the host. Their concern for money is the reason for their lack of morality and the disorder of the mansion. The people's interest in money is prioritized over their morals. There is a woman by the name of Lucille who also holds materialistic values. Nick recalls what Lucille said, "When I was here last I tore my gown on a chair, and [Gatsby] asked my name and address-inside of a week I got a package from Croirier's with a new evening gown in it...Two hundred and sixty five dollars" (47-48). She brings up the incident of how she got a new evening gown, but she mentions nothing about the host. The only thing she can describe of this event is the monetary value of the gown. Because the guests at Gatsby's party are overly enthralled with the lavish party, they show little importance of their morality. Gatsby's party is simply gathering for his guests to socialize about their personal gains and money. As a result, Gatsby's party demonstrates the corruption of materialism.
Thus, through characters, motif, and symbols, Fitzgerald shows that materialism causes the corruption of society. The Roaring Twenties was a decade of broken traditions. There were flappers, young unconventional women. They disregarded former conventions of etiquette and fashion. These women wore make up, cut their hair short, and wore short dresses. Furthermore, they smoked and drank. In addition, speakeasies were created to sell illegal alcohol secretively. As demonstrated in history, the society of 1920s lost its spiritual values, and it was corrupted.
Greetings!
You've done a good job of analyzing Fitzgerald's book! One thing you might want to watch out for, though, is too much repetition of phrases like "...shows that he is materialistic" or "____proves the corruption of materialism." Once you have established that you are giving examples of these types of things, you don't need to keep repeating, again and again, what it is that you are demonstrating.
A couple of editing points:
When you quote, make sure the sentence leading into the quote makes sense in the context of the quote.
One symbol is the eyes of T.J. Eckleburg: [add colon and delete "that are"] "over the ashheaps the giant eyes...kept their vigil...regarding us with peculiar intensity from less than twenty feet away"
They see past [not "pass"] the careless situation and do not offer any consequence to the corrupted people.
You've done a lot of work; good job!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Greetings!
That's a good question! The answer is that the examples you provide will prove the thesis for you. Introduce the paragraph by saying what it is you are going to demonstrate, as you have done, for example:
"In addition to characters, Fitzgerald uses the motif of carelessness to show that materialism is corrupting society." But having said that, and given examples, it is not necessary to then conclude the paragraph with: "Through Fitzgerald's motif of carelessness, he establishes his point that materialism corrupts society," which is almost exactly the same as your first sentence.
At least, that was my impression as I read your essay--that too much of it was rote repetition of what you were asserting. If you are trying to fulfill a word count requirement, I'm concerned that your instructor might count off for too much repetition of that sort.
There's an expression I use that has to do with good writing: "don't hit your reader over the head with it." Another way to put it would be to "trust your reader"; if you have explained something adequately, you should not then have to point out to the reader, "I just explained that to you."
I hope this helps!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Greetings!
You've done a great job with improving your essay! I'd be happy to give you some editing tips.
"In the process of impressing her, he becomes materialistic." - Wasn't he already materialistic and was merely revealing it through his attempts to impress her? You could say "...he reveals his materialistic nature."
"She disregards human beings and care only for her materials. " - Say "...cares only for material things."
"...she flees from the death of Tom's mistress, Myrtle, and lets Gatsby take the blame. - I'd end the sentence there and delete "showing her corruption." What she did shows her corruption, you don't need to point that out again.
"Tom, therefore, is materialistic." - Again, for me, this is overkill. You can take it out.
"Tom's focal interest in money results in his corruption when he only thinks of himself and retreats back to his money following Myrtle's death."
"Because of Tom's materialism, he is devoid of emotion and is corrupted." - This sentence really isn't necessary, but if you'd like to reiterate this point, you might want to do it a bit more artfully and less matter-of-factly. Perhaps something like: "Tom's soulless materialism has robbed him of emotion and corrupted his spirit."
They treat Gatsby's mansion as they would [delete "in"] "amusement parks."
"Such atrocious presentation from the people at Gatsby's party is resulted from their materialistic values." - Say "results from" not "is resulted from."
"The people from Gatsby's party are so concerned with their wealth that they do not pay attention to the host." (A typo.)
"Because the guests at Gatsby's party are overly enthralled with the lavish party, they show little importance of their morality." - Better would be "they show little concern for morality."
Your last paragraph brings in a lot of new information that is not covered in the above paragraphs. A conclusion should really be a summary of what the essay said; you might want to tailor it more closely to the points made in the essay.
You've put in a lot of hard work; good job!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
