Read the following prompt.
In this assignment, you will revise any of the papers you have written to improve argument, persuasiveness, and/or style. You will simply apply persuasive strategies in this revision. Be careful not to change the purpose of your essay or introduce a controversial subject. In other words, the essay will remain personal or objective, but will include stronger use of argument or persuasion. Consider especially focusing on logical argument (logos). How might you strengthen the logical connections in your process analysis? You might give the descriptions in the descriptive essay more pathos.
What does this mean?
Here is an example of a paragraph I changed. Am I on the right path?
Original
Our house then was a cottage. It had four separate units all connected together. We had one neighbor who lived adjacent to our unit in the same cottage. Cynthia was a classmate with my mother. She moved from Florida to study divinity. Frequently we shared meals, similar in style to how foreigners gather together like long lost friends even though they hardly know each other. Ever so often a freight train would come and I could hear the locomotives roaring horn and clatter of steel wheels, pounding the tracks, as is passed through the village's forest. Back then I used to go on bike rides or walk throughout the village. I saw different species of birds, snakes, spiders, and deer. In addition to the train the village had one monumental tower that played a song every hour. I enjoyed being outside and listening as the bell would play its song.
Revised
Our house then was a cottage, not an apartment. It had four separate units connected together. We had one neighbor who lived adjacent to our unit in the same cottage. Cynthia whom a classmate with my mother had moved from Florida to study here too. She was a friend of ours and occasionally we shared meals together. Ever so often this Union Pacific freight train would barrel through the village. I could hear the locomotives roaring horn and clatter of steel wheels, pounding the tracks, as it passed through the village's forest. What I loved the most about living at the village was being able to go bike or walk throughout one of the many trails. I saw different species of birds, snakes, spiders, and deer, all of which fascinated me. Even though hearing the train was great, what I liked even more was the village tower that played a song every hour. As I listened to the bells play, I could not help but feel at peace.
...similar in style to how foreigners gather together like long lost friends even though they hardly know each other. -----this is not okay... when yoy use the word foreigners you sound prejudiced, and when you make a generalization about them all it sounds even worse.
The expression is "every so often," not "ever so often"
This is all description, and it has no persuasion! What are you trying to persuade the reader of? This is a nice description, but your job is to make the reader agree with you about something. Did the teacher see th original essay and approve of it? I think you have th wrong idea. Write about an opinion you have, and try to make the reader agree with you, or write about something you want the reader to agree to do.
:-) Sorry!! Keep working at it!
Google this: logos, ethos, pathos
