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Literature assignment-short story about war

chohstar 1 / -  
Mar 3, 2010   #1
This is my literature class assignment: Write any kind of short story about war.
Please check my grammar and let me know what you think about this story.
Thanks in advance!

My five-minute-younger sister, Momo and I were afraid of darkness. Every night, we asked our mommy to read a book until we fell asleep. Usually, Momo fell asleep before me, and then I used to pretend to fall asleep with her because I didn't want mommy to be tired because of me. After mommy left the room, the only thing there was in the room was deep darkness. You may ask me, "Wasn't it scary being alone in the dark room?" The answer is "No". I've never been scared of that. What I have always been scared of is falling asleep before Momo. Why? As I said, I'm Momo's sister. That's what sisters are for.

It has been an ordinary night if Momo hadn't awakened me up at midnight. She shook me and whispered. "Sis, wake up! There's a weird sound from outside. I'm scared." When I stepped out from my bed and tried to open the curtain, my mommy opened the door of our room. She was pale and looked nervous. "Twins, Hurry! Pack your bags. We are going to go to Aunt Far's house right now. The army is coming soon. Hurry up!" Aunt Far was living in the southernmost island in Korea. I had visited there once when I was a baby so I remembered nothing about her and the island. Since Momo followed mommy as she cryied, I packed Momo's and my bag quickly. Through the window, I saw red sky and airplanes which were passing over my house. They made extremely loud sounds. "Sheeeeeeeeeeee!" It was so noisy that I had to cover my ears with my hands. The sounds made me scared, so I tried to go to mommy. "Momm..." POP!! I saw light sparks and felt my body floating. I lost my consciousness.

The thing I saw right after I opened my eyes was black sky. Everywhere was dark in the world. Darkness. Did I fall asleep before Momo did? I turned my head in order to see Momo who should have been next to me. Darkness. I saw nothing. Did I die? I tasted ash in my mouth. Oh, since I can taste something, I might still be alive. I stood up and started to find mommy and Momo. However, I couldn't even guess where they were because the walls had crumbled. I just walked around as I stepped on debris. Bowwow. I heard a dog's bark. I groped my way in the dark following the sound. My eyes got used to the darkness, and finally I could see something blurry. "Momo?" I mumbled. A dog sprang out to me unexpectedly. There's another living being here, in this black world. I was happy to meet him so I hugged and petted him. "Doggy. We are so lucky" I whispered to him. Wriggle. Something was writhing. I approached it in order to see what it was. It was a dark shape which looked completely burned. The smell was really bad. It smelled like burned pork which was the smell when my mommy overcooked pork before. "What is it?" I mumbled again. "Sis..." Momo's voice came from under the burned shape. As soon as I heard the faint voice of Momo, I put the burned shape aside and found Momo who got burned and was lying on the ground.

"Momo!" I called her with delight. I wanted to hug her but I couldn't because she was burned all her body. "Mom..." Momo was crying. Mommy? Sudden fear overcame me. I turned my head slowly and stared at the indistinguishable burned shape which I put away in order to take Momo out. I took a step forward but I couldn't. My legs trembled harshly. I fell and at the same time saw something like a ring which my mommy received from my father who was in the army, and which she always wore. However I couldn't look at it carefully because my eyes were blurred with tears. I couldn't say anything. I had a frog in my throat. I placed my hands over my mouth forcefully in order not to burst out crying. Like that, I cried secretly for a while.

Because Momo called me again and again crying, I turned my head back slowly toward her. Momo was lying on the ground and her burned body was shivering. She looked like she was swallowed up by the horrible darkness. I swallowed my saliva and said to her as calmly as possible. "Momo. We are so lucky because both of us alive. Isn't it? And there is a doggy over here. You like doggies. Right?" Momo nodded her head. "But I can't see the doggy. I can't see your face anymore, sis." Momo was about to cry. I was shocked that Momo became blind. However, there was no time to feel shock. I answered quickly. "Momo, I also can't see you. I can't see a doggy too. It is dark everywhere. That's why we can't see each other. Don't worry about it". "Is everything dark?" Momo asked me again. "Yes. Everything... everything is dark in this world." I repeated it. Momo was absorbed in thought for a while and said to me in a low but slightly comforted voice. "I have to sleep then." What she said made me worry. What if she never woke up after she fell asleep? I didn't want Momo to fall asleep. "Sis. Here it is really cold but my body is hot. Isn't it funny?" Momo laughed under her breath. I fought back my tears, and I couldn't say anything. "Sis? Are you there?" Momo asked anxiously. I had to say something. "Yes. I'm here. I'm right next to you." I said quietly. Momo took a deep breath and then fell fast asleep. I lay next to her and closed my eyes. Burning tears rolled down my cheeks. I promised to Momo in a whisper. "It may be time to sleep. Don't worry Momo. I'm not going to sleep before you." I grasped Momo's hand tightly.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13320 129  
Mar 4, 2010   #2
Need a comma on both sides of this word:
My five-minute-younger sister, Momo , and I were afraid of darkness.

This kind of sentence could be better with a comma:
I turned my head in order to see Momo, w ho should have been next to me.

Momo was lying on the ground, and her burned body was shivering.

She looked like she was swallowed up by the horrible darkness. I swallowed my saliva and said to her as calmly as possible, "Momo... we are so lucky because both of us alive. Isn't it true that we are lucky?

I can't believe how excellent this story is. It really has excellent detail, and the thing about not going to sleep before her is a brilliant theme. I'm jealous! I wish I could write so well.

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