I'm writing a term paper illustrating the cause of WW I and the Treaty of Versailles ultimately leading to the start of WW II , but I'm having a difficult time organizing the first two paragraphs...can anyone help?
Can anyone provide me some good feedback on my first two paragraphs of my term paper
The Second World War stems from an orchestra of German culture, built on ideology establishing politics as "dirty business"and incorporating the philosophy of supremacy; coupled with the failure of the Treaty of Versailles and results of World War I. The German concept of culture was viewed by many Germans to rein supreme, and more so, superb enough to be protected by the state. German political views gave way to isolation of the general public, allowing "educated politicians" to handle state matters. This ideology of German culture, with the addition of the Treaty of Versailles, paved a dangerous path for influence and submissive behavior throughout Germany. Additionally, this submissive behavior was felt throughout the West as the Treaty drove a wedge between the Allies and neglect of foreign policy issues. World War I left foreign policy fractured with governments seeking isolation, with focus on domestic issues as a restorative measure. Germany was left embarrassed, and seeking acknowledgment in the world theater.
Before World War I, Europe was dynamic and materially prosperous with 60% of trade originating withing Europe. Additionally, Europe was seen as a military power player. Social Darwinism, an ideology advocating that the fittest nation should and will survive, was plaguing Europe. This Social Darwinism along with European alliances and an increase in nationalism eventually sparked the first World War. The overwhelming majority of democratic governments during World War I would be replaced with parliamentary governments, Great Britain being the model to emulate. This dynamic change in government structure was unstable, requiring an isolationist and blind approach to foreign policy to focus on domestic issues and reconstruction. Secondly, European nations involved in the war had suffered huge losses financially due to debts to American banks. This in large part, was a direct reflection on countries such as France, wanting Germany to be the sole debtor of the War and face reparations. However, since Germany paid very little on their debt, this led to more loans and financial help being sought by France and Great Britain from the United States; building on an increasing deficit
Greetings!
You have an excellent start here! I agree that your paragraphs could use just a bit of smoothing. We all know that the first sentence should be the thesis statement that describes what your essay will be about. This can lead to the temptation to cram everything you're going to discuss into that one sentence. Your first sentence is a little confusing and long (the semi-colon should be a comma, too).
It's often helpful to simply turn a long sentence into two shorter ones. You can easily do this with your first sentence. Also, "an orchestra of German culture" is a metaphor I find a bit confusing. Did you mean "orchestration"?
Your writing is very good, overall. See what you can do to simplify it a little and let me know if I can be of further assistance!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
